This is Baby Zee's box. For now, it is her resting place until we can make it to Utah and bury her ashes with her Great-Great-Aunt Zee, who died as an infant, as well.
But more importantly, this box is full of the only mementos I have of Baby Zee's short life. Inside it I've placed blankets, hats and bracelets from the hospital. I've put ultrasound and post-delivery photos. I've included a birth announcement made by her Aunt Gee and a sweet poem written by her Aunt Bee.
Tonight, Mr. Dub and I are going to write letters to Baby Zee, and Miss Dub will scribble some sort of abstract tribute. Then, the box will be complete. And that's all we'll have to remember Baby Zee by for the next 50 years, unless I start wearing more sunscreen, in which case I might make it a little longer.
I never thought I'd be this sentimental. I didn't think I'd need formal reminders of our baby's existence. And I didn't think I'd be so adamant about including Baby Zee as an official member of our family - but I just can't count her out.
The other day I was at a new pediatrician and she asked me if I just had one child. I said, "Yes," at first, but found myself disturbed by my response and five minutes later blurted out, "I actually have two children." I quickly explained that I had one here and one up there (motioning heavenward) and felt much more peace. Of course, she was a doctor and wanted an in-depth retelling of my situation - I find I'm somewhat of a medical celebrity these days - and expressed sincere sympathy afterwards.
But I don't know what I'll say when the Target cashiers ask me a similar question. Will I be quick to include Baby Zee, or will I avoid any awkwardness by subtracting her short existence? It's tough to say. I don't think either one is wrong, but I do hope that if I include her no one will think that I'm crazy or sappy or "not over it."
Because the reality is that you never get over these sorts of things - you just get through them.
So for that reason I've given my baby girl a special box, just like her sister has a special bag filled with her newborn mementos.
They're both my girls, after all.
3.03.2008
Babies and boxes
Posted by Mrs. Dub at 6:22 AM
18 comments Leave a witty comment hereLabels: Baby Zee, grief, infant loss, Miss Dub, musing, triploidy
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18 comments:
i am once again reminded of the conversation we had with the lady at hobby lobby. it seems that there was much more depth and meaning to that conversation than i initially thought.
her sentiment of "you never get over it" rings true as i read your monday posts.
i love the sentimental dubb family. i think it's a beautiful idea.
What a beautiful post. I have heard mothers who have lost infants still include them in their "child count" and never really understood it; but having read this it makes so much sense. She is your daughter and always will be. Thank you for giving us such insight; I know it helps all of us to better understand yours and other's similar situations.
I wonder when I say my brother has 4 or 5 kids. They lost one twin when they were both born at 26 and a half weeks. I have never thought to ask my SIL what she says when people ask her. Part of me wants to say THEY COUNT and the other part thinks, do you really want to get in to all of that? I hope you are able to come up with something that makes you feel at peace.
she is on my niece count. i love her and you.
Well, she IS a member of your family...she IS your girl. I'm glad you are honoring her.
Just answer what feels right in that moment. Your answer can be different each time if you want, depending on how you're feeling, where you are and who you are talking to.
I consider you a Mother of 2!
i love the box. i love everything you've put in it, and i think it's such a wonderful and touching idea. i think the ability to be sentimental is a gift... the ability to be permanently grateful for a blessing in our lives.
i definitely wouldn't know how to advise you in the "what to say" department, but i will say this. from the time i was a very little girl... before i can really remember actually, i knew that my best friend had a little brother named adam. though i had never met adam, because he died shortly after he was born. but he was a very real part of their family. often my friend would talk about what life might be like if adam were around. she wondered what he would be like, and occasionally she would really and truly miss this little brother she really had no recollection of. but he was very much her little brother. no ifs ands or buts about it. and baby zee is miss dub's little sister, and your little girl, and i think as long as you're prepared to talk about her if people prod for a little more info, then i wouldn't be shy about stating your the mother of two.
i'm going to ask my friends mom what she said/says. i'll get back to you.
when people ask me in passing about the amount of children i have, i say one. i also reacted much differently than you when gus died. i thought i would be more sentimental, but once my family gathered things they thought i would want when i was ready to think about it and left, i put everything away. i left up his picture on top of our tv along with gracie's and me and the hubs. 3 seperate pictures. there is a plaster mold at robby's gma's of gus' hand but i can't get myself to want it in my house yet. and picture's of him my mom in law took of him when we first saw him in san diego after he died. i can't get to the point where i want those pics either.
you win the prize. even though we've never met, i miss you and want to come over and hug you while our girls play together. :)
Well maybe this sounds obvious but I think you only say you have two if you feel like telling baby Zee's story at the moment. My mom lost two babies and we talked about them -- I'm pretty sure my friends all knew the stories -- but didn't typically include them in the head count. I think my mom didn't want to think about the sadness of losing them each and every time someone asked her how many children she had. This didn't mean she'd forgotten them, of course. You will do what is right for you, and what feels good at this moment might not be what feels right in the future.
I've lost two of my last three pregnancies during the second trimester (I wish some pro-choice people could see what a 16 week old fetus looks like up close -- it's a person!) and feel a little dilemma when people ask if we're "done" (we have four living children). Do I tell them I keep trying to have one more but it's looking iffy? Sometimes a short question requires a long answer and being 100% honest is more personal than you or the asker want to get.
Thanks for being so personal with all of us, though. I'm sure it has helped more people than you know.
I agree that you are allowed to say whatever makes you comfortable. Obviously, it all depends on who it is, what the context is, etc.
I have a friend from my old ward who had a baby die at 10 days old. When we met, she had no other living children. When asked how many children she had, she would say one. If asked her name and age, she would also tell you. Only upon furthering question about this little girl would you find out that she died many years ago.
When I met this friend, I thought it was very odd of her to respond to questions the way that she did. Ever since my nephew died last August, I have a different outlook. My sister-in-law has 3 children, although there are only 2 on this earth. She gets very sad if someone says she only has 2 kids. She carried and bore three children. Little Spencer is her son for all eternity, so she is counting him here on earth as well. Now I realize that my old ward friend wasn't odd. She is being perfectly normal. And I am sure that I would do the same.
Beautiful box... beautiful idea.
The answer to the cashier at Target question is the hardest for me to figure out how to answer. I still vacillate between not wanting to tell the story to a complete stranger and not want to do the subtraction. Let me know when you come up with something that appropriately answers it. Most often, my response is "the question is complex."
How beautiful! Thanks for sharing. You continue to amaze me. My son's friend (who is 7 yrs. old) when asked how many siblings he has- always includes his older sister (who was a still born at 8 months.) When I heard him say this and that she was in heaven- it was so sweet!
I always lean toward the easiest/least complicated answer to people I will never see again.
This is not the same situation, but when I was a nanny, strangers were always making comments about how cute my kids were, how much they looked like me, etc. Usually I just bit my tongue and said thanks. Other times I quickly said, "I'm actually their nanny." But that ended up making our random interaction even longer than I cared for it to be.
I think your box and physical reminders are really special.
I wore my special "grandchildren" necklace to Mrs. Gees this weekend and while there she added my third disc to it.
Yeah. Now it's complete.
Life is so complicated and then so simple. I guess it depends on who you are talking to. Just loving all of you so much!!!!!!
What a beautiful way of honoring your baby.
mrs. dub, you are simply amazing.
love the box and the memories... love you and your family (that i feel so fortunate to be a part of).
Wow this post hits home for me. As I have placed my little girl I feel the same way when I am asked the same question. It depends on the moment, my mood, the person asking, the whole situation in general and how much I want to get into it and feel. I have two girls but to most I have one. You also have two girls but to the visual eye you have one.Whatever works for you is all that matters. Whatever others think shouldn't matter especially in a situation like this. Hope you don't mind me stopping by. Always connected to some amazing blogs through Mrs. R. I love that women!!
First of all, my condolences to you. Losing a child makes you part of a "club" that you never really want to join but leaves an indelible imprint on your life.
As to your problem- I have this same dilemma all the time. Our oldest daughter was born 4 months early and only lived 20 minutes. So when people ask me how many children I have I usually answer 5, even though the true answer is 6. It's just too complicated to explain to any old stranger. My 8-year-old son takes offense at this and, if he is with me, will always say, "No Mom, we have 6 kids in our family".
When it's someone in a more intimate setting I will tell them I have 6 children and explain that the first one is waiting for the rest of us in heaven.
It's been nearly 9 years since Sarah was born and I still alternate answers all the time depending on the situation. Maybe you will find a way to answer that works in every situation. If you do, you'll have to share it.
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