He Said/She Said

When it comes to memes, I’m not usually a huge fan. Love to read them, but I’m more of a freestyle writer, or front drawler as they say in the South.

But Mandee begged for a little scoopage into my life via her marriage meme, and I’ve happily complied. Shoot, even Mr. Dub has joined in on the fun … and so we can see the love unfold through three sets of eyes. (Mr. Dub wears glasses.)

Oh, and perhaps I should mention that some of Mr. Dub’s response are pure fiction. He’s a compulsive story teller. I’d call him a liar, but when it comes to true dishonesty I take the cake.

1. Where did you meet your wife/husband?

He said: We were opposing contestants on the hit television show Double Dare.

She said: We met at his house. Mr. R brought me and this gal over to meet some of his buddies, whose floor he occasionally rented for free.

2. What was the first thing you said to your wife/husband?

He said: “…and that’s how you wash a leotard.”

She said: No idea. Probably, “Hi! I’m Miss Ess.” But my first thought was, “Great. A tall guy with blonde, curly hair. He’s going to fall madly in love with me.” (I was a magnet for blonde ‘fros for some reason.) So I told myself, “Avoid this guy at all costs. This year it’s all about dark, straight hair.”

3. Where was your first date?

He said: Chuck E Cheese’s. It was a night of blissful cardboard pizza, creepy animatronic characters and frolicking through the pit of plastic balls.

She said: Um, depends on your definition of a date. There was our first solo hangout when we drove around Provo pulling pranks on our friends in his sweet ride. (Also known as the “TUBU” – Taur-Us By-Us.) And the time that he took me to see a movie - opened doors for me, paid for my orange chicken – all with his two buddies in tow. Or the pivotal night we talked until 3 in the morning and I thought, “Hot darn, maybe I should like this Dub dude.” But if you consider a date to be a one-on-one, official-request-for-an-outing kind of experience … that probably came a good year after we met, long after we’d first kissed and well after the monster truck rally, which was the true highlight of our courtship. (Something about destruction really brings out my romantic side.)

4. Where was your first kiss?

He said: In the tunnel by the bell tower at BYU. We had just finished participating in the fabled “tunnel singing.” Romantic, I know.

She said: First, long-awaited, Does this guy really like girls kiss was outside his house, next to my car. He walked me out and got The Look in his eye. Before we kissed I said, “I can’t believe after all this time we’re finally going to do this.” But the first, actually-leading-to-a-relationship kiss was in his parents’ basement after I delivered a rousing ultimatum speech. To this day I’m not sure if he actually agreed to my terms or just wanted a little nooky.

5. Did you have a long or short engagement/courtship?

He said: Short engagement but long courtship. There was that whole time working in my father-in-law’s blacksmith shop to earn his approval. It was worth it. I left with a new skill, the right to marry Mrs. Dub and a love for anvils.

She said: Looooong courtship. I won’t go into the boring details, but needless to say there was hesitance, a secret girlfriend and a confession of my love left on his bed at 6 in the morning. And, yes, I’m still embarrassed about it. But once we got on the same page, it was five months to engagement and another four to our wedding day.

6. Where did you get engaged?

He said: I proposed at sea. That sounds like a joke but it is the truth. I was on one knee on a rock that was a few feet into the Pacific Ocean.

She said: Officially, on his kitchen floor at 3 in the morning. We were kind of talking in code so when the conversation ended I had to clarify by asking, “Did we just decide to get married?” But the ring and bended knee scene took place a couple months later out on a rock in the Pacific Ocean when I least expected it. (And, yes, he waded out there with the ring unsecured in his pocket. I’ve almost forgiven him.)

7. Where did you get married?

He said: We were married in Mesa, Arizona on the hottest day in September. 110 degrees + black tux = one very sweaty, idyllic day.

She said: Mesa, Arizona LDS temple. And for the record, the weather almanac said the high temperature was typically 88 degrees on September 27. Unfortunately, the high was 110 that day. I apologize to everyone who had heat stroke. It’s called water, people.

8. How did the reception go?

He said: Lots of smiling, glad-handing and mini beef Wellingtons.

She said: Don’t really remember it to be honest, but it looks nice in pictures. Except that the pictures didn’t really turn out. But if you kind of squint your eyes when you look at them, it looks amazing.

9. How was the honeymoon?

He said: The scenery was majestic; although it was not utilized to its fullest extent – for many reasons.

She said: Mellow. And no, I’m not giving you any more details than that. But I will say that we stayed at a beach house on a Northern California cliff. For free. So you can’t really argue with that. (Seriously, I’ll fight you.)

Tag time: I insta-tag you all. Link to your blog and post your own He said/She said accounts of your courtship. Or drag it out into a week of posts if you want to share the juicy details.

HTT - $$ Edition

This Hot Topic is an extension of yesterday’s discussion about my overspending tendencies. A few of you mentioned how your husbands can temper your buying binges, which sometimes is a good thing and sometimes means you have to go back by yourself and buy that cute shirt that looks a little bit like one you already own. (But not even close to “identical,” as he so curtly put it.)

And husbands should have a say. Sharing finances, after all, is part of marriage, just like sharing a bed and sharing shampoo. In fact, it’s a huge part of marriage and often requires a huge adjustment if your personal spending styles are different. It’s not easy to compromise, for sure, but if you don’t your marriage could be in big trouble.

Mr. Dub, for example, is an interesting combination of money attitudes. On one hand, he likes money to be safe and cozy in a bank account, accruing interest for a really rainy day. On the other hand, he wants nice things. So pretty much he’s waiting around to strike it rich before he buys anything. (This is a huge generalization, dear, but I haven’t all day to examine your financial psyche.)

Mrs. Dub, as you know, likes a bargain. I don’t buy clothes that cost more than $20, although most of what I buy is less than $10. However, I buy stuff all the time. And it adds up – to a cute wardrobe and stellar collection of costume jewelry, I might add.

Before we met, I would buy whatever I wanted and could afford. If I had something to save for, I restrained myself. If I had excess, I spent away. I didn’t go into debt, but I wasn’t exactly saving.

But Mr. Dub has helped me see the light. I don’t consult him on most purchases, but knowing he’ll eventually see them helps me control myself. The longer we’re married the more I find myself putting things back or analyzing needs versus wants. On occasion he’ll chide me for being a clotheshorse, but ultimately he recognizes that I could be much worse.

Likewise, he has learned to bargain hunt and buy something without breaking into a sweat. (Or returning to the store 5-10 times before making the purchase.)

So we’re making progress, and that’s all that matters in a marriage. You don’t have to succeed; you just have to keep trying.

But every couple is different.

I’ve heard rumors of husbands who keep all family financial information to themselves, including bank account numbers, and only dole out an allowance to their wives as they see fit. So pretty much I hate these guys if they really do exist, because not only are they domineering jerks, but they totally don’t understand the concept of unity.

On the other hand, I know couples who maintain individual bank accounts and keep their personal finances to themselves, which I don’t agree with once you’re married. Or wives who take out separate credit cards to hide their shopping sprees, which is just naughty-naughty.

I don’t think either spouse should have total control of the finances or the family’s financial philosophy … even if the wife doesn’t work. (After all, who buys the groceries, my friend?)

I don’t think anyone should live in fear of the other when buying something, just like I don’t think anyone should live in fear of the other one squandering their savings.

But what about you?

How do finances work in your relationship?

Who calls the shots?

And who spends the most cash?

Please share.

HTT: In-Law Edition

Since sooo many of you helped give me insight into the world of marriage, I thought I’d HTT about a similar topic: in-laws.

Now for clarification (and to avoid confusion), I must being with this declaration: I LOVE my in-laws.

Like, I seriously scored. They are wonderful, kind, fun people who share similar values and interests with my own family. A whoppin’ sorry to those out there with baggage-laden, possessive, meddlesome in-laws. Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with that.

However, even the best of in-laws are still in-laws – meaning that they are a different family with a different set of life experiences. So no matter how welcomed you feel (and I sure did), you still have to learn to adjust to a new way of doing things.

When Mr. Dub and I first got hitched, we lived in close proximity to the female half of his family. This was fabulous because I got to know them very well, but I was still intimidated at times. Here were all these established, accomplished (not to mention thin) women with a similar way of doing things, and I show up with my People magazine and political tendencies only to realize that Jessica Simpson and stem cell research weren’t on their family radar.

So despite our families’ striking similarities there were some differences – different food, different conversation, different traditions, different rules. And there were subsequent adjustments that had to be made to my interpretation of family.

At first I played coy, trying to blend in as much as possible. Maybe it was a leftover habit from the “selling” phase of courtship when you want to convince any potential in-laws that you are worthy of admission into the fam. Or maybe I just overanalyze things. (Do NOT answer that question, Mr. Dub!)

But being anything but myself made things even harder so I gave up the act and got genuine – and they didn’t care. They liked the real me. (And basically knew who that was already … I’m not great at acting, except for my rousing 1992 performance in “The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.”)

But that’s not the end of in-law issues. Despite our respective love of each other’s families, we both brought a separate life experience to our marriage. And sometimes they clash.

For example, in my family someone could serve raw chicken and you’d hear a chorus of, “No, it tastes great. I like it tender.” Because we are very sensitive to the sensitivity of others, especially when personal effort or aesthetics is involved. And we’re prone to exaggeration or lying when it helps others feel good. But when it comes to things like politics or religion or pop culture, we’re happy to disagree and debate and play devil’s advocate.

Mr. Dub’s family, on the other hand, appreciates a little honesty in matters like lumpy mashed potatoes and bad haircuts. They’ll tell each other like it is, which I often envy. But sometimes when Mr. Dub tells me like it is, I wish he’d sugarcoat it a bit more. And when it comes to issues of politics or religion, there are a lot of black and white lines that were drawn in his childhood sand, while mine is sprinkled with gray.

Neither way is better; they’re just different. But different can be hard when you’re trying to be one in marriage.

And don’t even get me started about whose family to live by (if we could choose). I think the girl typically tries to pull her man to her hometown, but when he’s close to his family and I like them, too – shoot, you wish they’d all live in one state. (Preferably in one large home with communal dinners because, man, can both sides of our family cook!)

So there you have it – a perspective on in-laws from someone who actually likes hers. In fact, amidst writing this I received a phone call from one of my sisters-in-law – who happens to be my hero – and I’m overwhelmed once again by my love for them.

Even if they don’t have a preference on whether Ashlee or Jessica Simpson is cuter.

For the record, it’s so Ashlee right now. (Post-nose job, of course.)

What about you?

Are your in-laws like family or a branch of the family tree you’d like to chop off?

And what advice would you bestow on someone about to marry into a new family … like someone I’m about to call sister.

Research

I'm contemplating the respective benefits of marrying earlier or later in life for an article I'm penning.

But where would I be without my blogophiles?

I need you ladies to help me analyze this issue.

So take a look at the following Q's and email me your responses. Or feel free to leave a little comment or two below.

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1. What age were you when you got married?

2. Is that older or younger than you had planned to get married when growing up?

3. What did your parents think when you got married at that age? What do they think now?

4. What are some of the advantages of getting married at the age you did?

5. What are some of the disadvantages?

6. Do you think there's an ideal age to get married?

7. Do you ever envy people who got married older or younger than you did? Why?

8. What advice would you give someone who is considering getting married at a young age?

9. What advice would you give someone who is planning to get married later in life?

10. What state do you live in now? What state did you live in when you got married?