For my SAHMs

I've thought about this a lot, but what do you think is the greatest perk of being a stay-at-home mom, aside from the whole be-with-your-chittlins-all-day thing?

After some consideration, I've decided it's spending more time outdoors. OK, in the winter this isn't really a perk - it's a punishment - but I still get a chance to see the sky a lot more than I did when I worked full-time.

In the summer, our life is spent outdoors. Last week, I put on makeup twice because we spent a huge chunk of each day at the pool or a park or another outdoor arena. Miss Dub and I are already sporting wicked tan lines. (I'm not proud of this. I'm becoming part-iguana with my nasty leather hide.)

Some days I feel guilty. When Mr. Dub heads off to work for another busy day of reports and meetings, I say things like, "Yeah, our day is going to be busy, too. We're going to swim in the morning, then have lunch with friends, then head to a park." As if he should be grateful!

It's not totally fair, but there are entire days in the winter when I don't speak a word to an adult and change 5+ diapers full of reconstituted food ... so I guess it balances out.

Plus, when I start to feel guilty that my life is largely creating fun experiences for my child - I remember that I would never forgive myself if I stayed home and focused only on myself. I'm not staying home to swim; I'm staying home to teach Miss Dub to swim. To show her the beauty of a blue sky. To teach her water etiquette. To point out the letters and shapes and sounds we see on the way to the pool. It's all part of a greater educational experience - and I'm lucky enough to be her teacher.

But it's pretty cool that we get to do it outside.

Business lunch

Miss Dub and I had a misadventure yesterday that seemed apropos in light of the day’s Hot Topic.

Feeling under the weather – Miss Dub is getting FOUR teeth, and I’m getting a black lung – we decided the best medicine would be to get under the weather with a walk to a nearby sandwich shop.

Miss Dub was giddy to be my lunch date, even though I was makeup-less, accessory-less and clad in pink sweat shorts spattered with stars. (So maybe I should stop shopping in the Junior’s department.)

The walk is short but requires a little creativity as there are no sidewalks at one point and two very major roads intersect at the same junction. But Miss Dub likes a little stroller off-roading so we made it unscathed.

Thoughts of soup and/or sandwich were filling my head as we walked into the establishment, only to realize it was smack dab in the middle of lunch hour. And we live in an area mostly zoned for corporations who consider Casual Friday sacrilegious.

I almost wanted to turn around due to the long line and sheer embarrassment of seeing my loungewear juxtaposed with crisp blouses. But I like lunch, and I struggle to stay embarrassed for more than a few seconds so I turned my focus to the baked goods.

“Excuse me!” I uttered over and over as I tried to weave our stroller between rows of men on their Blackberrys. (Or is it Blackberries? Mmm … blackberries.) Finally I got aggressive, reasoning that real leather loafers could endure a few tire tracks.

My purse, overflowing with 10 possible lunch options for Miss Dub, was hitting people as I attempted to find a small table that could accommodate a high chair and a stroller. Glares interspersed with gawking came my way as our baby gear blocked others from getting to their tables fast enough to toss down their food and head back for more meetings.

Feeling hot from the walk, the humidity and the technicalities of the situation, I finally got my food and sat down. All around me were important conversations like, “What are we going to do about the Wallace account?” And catty work banter like, “I heard Ken used to be a woman.”

So it took a lot of energy and willpower to resist people-watching and eavesdropping and tune out the adult surroundings to focus on my little lady.

But I did.

Soon we were happily sharing my lunch. Miss Dub kicked her legs enthusiastically, thrilled to be dining out with me but not competing for my attention with other guests. I talked about the magical healing properties of soup. She said, “Duck, duck, duck.” We divided a cookie, but I quickly gave in and let her eat my half.

Her face was covered in chocolate by the end, and I was a little messy myself. So I broke out the wipes, cleaned us up and got our gear gathered for the complicated departure.

That’s when I realized people were watching. Staring. Eavesdropping.

And they didn’t look disturbed by my shabby appearance. They didn’t seem annoyed by the mountain of supplies I tote for one small child.

They looked jealous.

Because even though there were undoubtedly Very Important People eating lunch nearby, there was no doubt who had the most important (and rewarding) job there.

Let's do lunch again soon, Miss D!

HTT - SAHM Edition

I’m in the mood for some comment loOove so I’ve been mulling over some possible Hot Topics that will generate a little energy.

The first thing that came to mind was labor stories – the natural kind and the enjoyable kind - but I worried that people would consider it an unofficial announcement so I nixed that idea. Which only left the working mother debate because that’s as hot as it gets among Mormon moms, and because well I can’t think for more than six minutes consecutively without stopping for a snack. And I’m trying not to graze as much these days.

But here’s where I must preface my thoughts, and it applies to a lot of other Hot Topics, as well – I’m a gray person. Even though I belong to a church that is very black and white on most moral issues, I sympathize with the fuzz in between, especially when it applies to others.

That said, I think the LDS Church has been pretty clear about mothers working outside of the home. Basically, a mom should stay home with her kids except when it’s financially impossible and all other options have been exhausted, such as working from home or finding better employment for the father.

Working to save for luxuries is not a good reason to leave children with others, we’ve been told. Working to avoid the stress and chaos of motherhood is not a good solution. Working outside the home, in general, isn’t as healthy for children as having a mother at home, and can have harmful repercussions if childcare isn’t adequate.

BUT – and it’s almost as big as my butt – like everything in life, I think this counsel is meant for everyone but with the understanding there will be EXCEPTIONS. There are single mothers who have no choice but to work. There are families in dire financial straights that require both parents to work endless hours. There are women whose sanity is literally dependent on spending time away from their children each day. There are women who feel called to be mothers and doctors … or any number of honorable professions.

It’s all about your motives, I think. If you feel strongly like you need to work for unselfish reasons then no one can argue with your decision. And, ultimately, it’s YOUR decision to make. Passing judgment can be foolish because we rarely know all the factors and personal inspiration that led someone to work or not.

In my case, I had a mother who stayed home during our childhood and most of our formative years. Raising four kids was her full-time job. Her constant example, her open availability to talk, her overseeing eye and discipline were priceless to us. I never doubted her love, never wished for more time with her or felt free to misbehave without her finding out. (Though I sometimes tried!)

That’s why I’ve chosen to stay home with Miss Dub. Even though an extra income could help us buy a house sooner or pay for more trips, we never even discussed the possibility. Our decision was made when we got married because we both understood the value of having a mother in the home. And I’m so glad because I can’t imagine missing a moment of Miss Dub’s infancy.

That doesn’t mean, however, that raising my children will be my sole pursuit. I am still a writer and do freelance work during nap time. I am still a friend and make time to get out by myself with others. I am still a wife and need an occasional date with my Mr. And I’m busy with other church, family and home obligations.

Most importantly, I am fulfilled. Even though it can be tiring, tedious and monotonous, I LoOoVe my job.

But I’m ME. YOU my have entirely different opinion or situation that has led you down another path. But we can both be good moms.

(Unless, of course, you have multiple live-in nannies. I take issue with that. Also, I was wondering if you would lend me $1 million dollars?)

But what do you think?

Are you a stay at home mom or a proud working mama? How did you make your decision?

Do you see this as a black and white issue, or is it a little bit gray?

Be nice.