Black Magic

Did you hear? Katie Holmes said that being a mom is "magical."

And it really is. In fact, if someone were to ask me what I think about motherhood, I would have to say it is the most rewarding, amazing, fulfilling and beautiful thing I've ever done in my twenty-odd years on this earth. It's truly magical.

But, c'mon Katie, enough about how Suri is a natural artist and a beautiful woman. Let's talk about the other magical qualities that children have - like the ability to make us crazy? Case in point: Miss Dub, who has had a raging fever for the last four days, which led to a febrile seizure and ear infection yesterday. It's not that I don't feel bad for her; I've been worried constantly and my heart has ached to see her in such agony. But my ears have also ached to hear her incessant whining, not to mention ridiculous songs from unhealthy amounts of children's television. And my belly is sore from rocking her to sleep as she woke up every two hours each night. That's magical, alright. And I'm anxious to find a spell to reverse it.

And what about the ability to make you lose your sense of style? Just the other day I looked down to realize that I had a crusty piece of mac and cheese on my shirt. And while I did try to remove the largest chunk, I didn't even consider changing my top. I mean, that would mean more laundry for me, and my baby has already magically increased my weekly washing load.

What Katie also isn't telling you is that sometimes babies interest us in witchcraft, too. Sometimes even the best moms think, "Is there any possible way I could wish my child away for one day so I could get some (sleep/things done/sanity)?" Sometimes moms think, "I wish that I could stop thinking, 'Shut up!' or 'Grow up!' or 'Learn to freakin' talk already!'

But unfortunately, that sort of magic is beyond even a baby's miraculous capabilities. That sort of magic is too advanced for moms, though many still seek after it. (And end up in a bad relationship with a warlock.)

Of course, the good magic far outweighs the bad. Like, how you can actually find yourself grateful for the opportunity to snuggle with a sick baby at 3 a.m. Like, how you can find yourself changing a rancid diaper without the slightest disdain for the pooper. Like, how you can find yourself totally missing your child after being away for only a few hours.

That is magic.

But next time mention the poop part a little, Katie. It would make you seem a little less robotic.

Save Katie!

I know this question is so last year, but I’m still troubled by it so I must pose it to you all no matter how dated:

Is Katie Holmes brainwashed or what?

Because while I do love her new ‘do - which I recently replicated - and am convinced she is happily mothering Suri and her head of hair, I’m totally disturbed how she went from low-key Catholic girl to a couture-wearing Scientologist.

Blame Tom. Blame Posh. Blame Dawson for all I care. Just tell me if her high-fashion transformation is a natural evolution, a coping mechanism or a cry for help!

I can’t decide.

* Perhaps my concern has to do with the fact she bears an uncanny resemblance to my own sister. Those who know Mrs. Gee should bear testimony below.