Let's be losers!

Looking better last year ... sigh.

I have a secret: I'm chunky. Not full-blow fat again but definitely soft. Actually, the world would probably consider me a buffet-lover with the girth I've got going, but by suburban mom standards - in a Midwestern suburb, I should clarify - I'm just average. Yes, the 15+ pounds I put on in my half-term pregnancy are still here four months later. I could blame the fact that I didn't have breastfeeding to help me shed those stubborn pounds, or I could contribute my apathy to physical and mental issues caused by such a traumatic experience, but the real culprit is the snack aisle. I mean, with so many choices out there - sweet or salty? - how is anyone expected to control their calories? And let me tell you, I can eat. I've even contemplated competition eating, but those skinny Asians can pound some red hots.

The worst part is that I joined a weight loss competition 10 weeks ago, named after The Biggest Loser. Here's another secret: I've never seen the show in its entirety. But I get the concept - go to adult fat camp, cry a lot and lose your man-boobs. Thankfully, there's a lot less crying in this competition, as well as angry personal trainers. But after 10 weeks, I'd only lost and gained the same few pounds.

So the competition is starting up again on Monday. Despite my embarrassment, I decided to give it another shot. After seeing the "after" photos of the top winners - er, losers - I realized that I had just wasted four months of my life. Rather than feeling confident in a swimsuit this summer, I'll be searching for a cover-up. So why wait another four months - especially since I hope to give baby-making another try later this year?

But I decided to invite you all to join, since I know it's a great motivator to pass by the dessert plate at BBQs this summer. If you're already skinny, you can leave now. People hate you.

Here's how it works: You pay $100 to participate. Every week, you send in your weight to the administrator, who is also a participant. To keep things honest, you must send in a personal photo of yourself and an image of the scale at the beginning and end of the competition. A weekly spreadsheet is sent out with info on each contestant, and emails are exchanged sharing tips and some ribbing. All weight loss plans are OK, but no fasts, cleanses, pills or supplements are allowed. There are a few raffles during the competition, but most of the money goes to the winners. Last time, the winner took homes $1,100, second place got $660 and third place got $440. (Winners are based on percentage of weight loss, not total weight loss, so there is not a real advantage to being heavier.)

Last time, there was a wide group of women, mostly from Arizona, who participated. Most had a significant amount of weight to lose, so if you only need to lose a few pounds, this competition might not be for you. You can go join the skinny girls now, but you make us less insecure than they do if that makes you feel better.

Anywho, if you are interested, email me at missusdubATgmailDOTcom. You need to be ready to go on Monday morning, but it's OK if you can't get the money for a week or so. And I should mention that I'm planning on winning, but you're welcome to come in second.

Now, where's my danish?