musings and misadventures: HTT

2.19.2008

HTT - Parent Edition

I'm borrowing today's Hot Topic from a dear friend, who posted this question on her blog: Which is harder, being a stay-at-home mom or a working dad?

It's a question that I've often posed in my mind, but I've never had the eggs to ask aloud to Mr. Dub. To his credit, he often remarks on how hard it is to be a mom and how he's not genetically composed to do it as well as I do. (Aw, shucks!)

Not to be too Swedish on this issue, I can see pros and cons to both sides. Let us review:

Working Dad

Hard because he ... Has the pressure of being the sole provider, must go to work at assigned hours, has to switch brain from working issues to family matters as soon as he returns home, is under tremendous stress from work projects, must climb the career ladder to earn more, which will then go towards family expenses, etc.

Easy because he ... Doesn't have a child following him around 24/7, can generally check out mentally from work when evenings and weekends come, misses out on most diaper changes, spit-ups, huge messes and accidents, can take a day off from work when sick or on vacation, etc.

Stay-at-Home Mom

Hard because she ... Is always on call, must put her child's needs before her at all times, has to act as a chauffeur, cook and nurse despite whether or not she wants to be any of those things, can't take a day off in her own house, is constantly consumed with her child's welfare, etc.

Easy because she ... Is her own boss and makes her own schedule, gets to set the rules, can wear loungewear every day if she chooses, gets to cuddle with her child instead of writing a report, has the best job in the world, etc.

After weighing this sampling of pros and cons, I must tip my hat to the mothers because they are truly more physically and mentally engaged during the day. (And, let's be honest, do more of the waking up at night.)

But I do want to tell the dads how grateful we are for their hard work. And it is hard, just a different kind of hard.

(And then, of course, there are working mothers, who do a bit of both things and have an entirely different perspective.)

But what do you think?

Which is harder - being a stay-at-home mom or a working dad?

And what would your husband say?

30 comments:

Jessi said...: Before this morning I would have said that Moms have it harder, but after being up half the night listening to my husband talk about all the stress he is facing at work I've got to give it to the Dads. (Especially if they happen to be small business owners!!); 7:44 AM
Rachie said...: I think working is like going on a vacation. I understand the stresses of a job because I was once doing it full-tim; climbing the corporate ladder and traveling.

I am a SAHM who works about 20 hours a week from home. When the nanny comes over, it is a little break from the crying, whining, diapers, etc.

Keeping score on stuff like this is tough because I would never want the pressure of providing for your family. I like being home to watch the fighting and receive all the kisses and cuddling.

I feel like the cleaning never gets done. I am always mopping, sweeping, wiping down messes. I wash and fold all the laundry and make most meals. I never get a sick day.

I do think I get the best of both worlds. However, I would like a house keeper...

I still say going to work is like taking a vacation!; 8:10 AM
LCM said...: Especially when the girls were little, hubby would say I had it the worst. On the few occasions I get sick enough to get into bed (or usually hospitalized) Hubby cannot wait for his term playing Mr Mom to be over. When the girls are in school full time, he's incredibly jealous, but then again, I was the one holding the bowl while Fiona hurled sour strawberry milk yesterday. Also, if you are a pregnant or nursing mom your body is running 24/7. He also says he would take more rest periods during the day if he were me. Except I am sitting here, knowing that the ironing needs to be done and the breakfast dishes cleaned and the floor mopped. That's the worst, living at your place of work.; 8:21 AM
Angy said...: I can't really answer considering I don't have kids. But I will say that I spent about 6 hours with my nephews on Sunday and I was seriously exhausted afterwords! They can just go forever! While work leaves me mentally drained, being around kids leaves you physically drained! So I guess to answer the question... for me it'd be harder to be around kids all day than to work an 8 hour day. But then again... I can't really answer this question ;); 8:47 AM
Anonymous said...: Hands down being a stay at home momma is harder.Workin is stressful and hard and I appreciate and respect the job my hubz does but c'mon I am 24/7 and its not lettin up anytime soon. I am grateful though for a hubz who understands that its better to be a little more poor and have the kids taken care of by their mother than be a little more rich by my workin'. ( Some women have to work 9-5 and we all know thats not what Im talkin about)Yeah for a hubz who works hard but lets get real this job is awesome and lame at the same time.; 9:11 AM
Laurel said...: I agree with Rachie..but my huband doesn't.; 9:15 AM
Alifinale said...: If put up to it my husband would admit that staying at home is way harder...for him. He couldn't do it, but he loves to tease me that I play with friends all day and watch TV. Even when I do get to do fun things with friends while staying at home it is still work - you can never escape the work. But it is more fun and more rewarding to stay at home so I love it.; 9:26 AM
Anonymous said...: I think it is a toss up... we both have our stresses and if we are truly working together than we can make each of our jobs a little easier. My DH for one - the second he gets home is with the kids and helping around the house...at night after the kids go to bed- he unwinds.

We had a time in our marriage when we would argue about this a lot... "You think your day was stressful... well..." It was like a competition on who had the worst day. We quit doing that and realized that we both have stressful jobs and we need to appreciate and help each other.; 10:32 AM
Carrie said...: Seperate but equal, thats what I say. I will say, though, that husbands jobs are not as life altering (usually) as raising children. The pressure to be a good mom is intense! And never ending... at least hubster can leave work at work and know that it won't alter the fate of the universe.; 10:57 AM
A Mom Two Boys said...: OMG, this is definitely a HOT TOPIC at my house.

I just deleted the rest of my comment to start over, but I think this is too near and dear to my heart to make any sense of it here. I agree with your conclusion. SAHM's have it harder, but I'm 1000% positive that my husband would totally disagree. It's something we argue about constantly.; 10:58 AM
hilari said...: yeah, gfunk was right. nothing is better or harder then being a SAHM. hey, even oprah says it. oprah don't lie.

both jobs are hard but come on, laundry really really sucks.; 11:09 AM
Emma said...: I think it really depends on the person, kids and job. I think being a SAHM is hard work, but I would much rather stay home that have a real job. My husband works hard all day (pediatrician in training) and is mentally, physically, and often emotionally drained when he comes home. Yet, he still plays with the kids, helps out with dinner and cleaning, has more work to do at home, and hasn't figured out how to not think about his patients after work.

Maybe my job is harder, but I don't want my husband's job. And I do get breaks - date nights, kids at school, quiet time, bed time, play dates. I feel like there is always something more I could do, but I get to choose when and how I do it. Maybe I would have it harder if I a child that was really demanding (physical or mental handicap etc.). I have good days and bad days (this must be a good one) but over all, I enjoy it. But that's just me and my situation.; 12:40 PM
Unknown said...: Different hards, that's what I say. My husband thinks that staying at home is harder. But I definitely wouldn't want to be in the work force.

Another pro to working: Socializing with adults.; 1:57 PM
emily said...: Geesh. This is definitely a HT to me. I know I have the harder job and I feel like my hubbie has the easiest job in the world! He tells me how he spends his work day surfing the internet and shopping to kill time, he leaves home about 9am and is back around 4pm. His work is then done. Meanwhile, I have 3 demanding little kids at home and piles of stuff that are never done. He gets rewarded for what he does, I usually just get sassed and criticized. I resent things the most when I am sick and really need a day off and can't take one (luckily I got sick enough he had no choice but to take off work!) But, my day will come when all of my kids are in school and I am going to sit around and sew and craft and shop and eat bonbons and I am not going to feel bad for one minute. I will have earned it!

Oh, and cause guilt is overwhelming me now, I AM grateful for my husband and his job and my children and my life and blessings and blahblahblah...; 2:12 PM
NG said...: I think that everyone secretly thinks they work harder than the other person - even though they might never admit it. I also think that the truth is, they're all right. It's like comparing apples and oranges.; 2:25 PM
Lizzie said...: I think the real issues here are questions of satisfaction, pressure, and balance.

First of all, people pick professions conciously thinking of the financial rewards and personal satisfaction a job might bring. If they hate their job, they know they can quit, or be reassigned, or go back to school or whatever. Also, employers are motivated to help their employees find satisfaction at work, and they frequently provide motivating/morale-boosting benefits to workers--socials, bonuses, titles, pats on the back--so everyone stays happy and feels appropriately rewarded for their efforts.

SAHMs, on the other hand, may feel they want to be mothers before kids arrive, but once the kids are there, there's no going back from the shift in our responsibility and priorities. And motherhood can be intensely rewarding, but it may leave us empty in important ways that we don't expect, ways we aren't used to. If you were a student or had a career, you're used to finishing assignments, getting good grades/performance reviews, receiving praise and appreciation or at least financial rewards. In motherhood, those reinforcements really aren't regular, and *we're* the ones who really have to give them out *to ourselves*, because we're the only ones who are fully aware of all we do (though husbands and children frequently do care, and do make efforts to praise/appreciate us).

Some employers/jobs aren't rewarding for family breadwinners. Usually a fix for this can be effected in changing something external: find a new job, get a new supervisor, change responsibilities or focus. For moms, you can't find a new job, or new responsibilites. The changes you make have to be internal first--setting goals for yourself, relaxing your perfectionism, accepting what you can and can't do, recognizing your personal boundaries and needs and making sure they're met. And that's hard, in my book. Renovating your internal life is a tough job and one that both SAHMs and working individuals face, but for moms it has to, has to be undertaken for the work at home to go well, because there's no external structure to substitute.

Pressure follows the same lines: mothers are especially subject to internal pressures to be perfect at what you're doing, which is different from the external pressures of a job. It's more difficult in some ways ("i'm going to screw my kids up forever"), and less in others ("i'm not going do the dishes, because who's going to fire me over it?"). It's just different.

Also, there's the question of balance. The natural separation of most jobs from our home lives makes it easier to find and draw lines between the time/effort we'll spend on our personal needs and what we'll spend on our work. It's more of a challenge to create those divisions for someone whose home is their work, but just as necessary. SAHMs *should* have the same degree of down time to pursue personal stuff as working parents, but i think often SAHMs don't fully recognize that need, much less meet it.

Obviously the actual work that is done in different jobs, including child-rearing, are intrinsically more demanding in certain areas. I don't think that SAHMing is glorious penance while office work is a moneymaking lark. But what makes staying at home with kids uniquely difficult is that it takes a lot more personal wrestling and internal strength to do well and to feel satisfied with what you're accomplishing. It's much more of a personal challenge.; 2:39 PM
laura jean 2 said...: I'm a working mom, so I know a little bit about both and I give it to the stay at home moms. Not only is their job harder but they don't get any credit for it. While I have an often stressful career, sometimes after a long weekend with the kids, work is a break!; 3:23 PM
Ashby said...: Ditto to what Rachie said!

Although there are times when the grass is always greener. My husband is always saying he'd trade me. He hates being in school, he hates the stresses of working. And I get bored with the tedious job of cooking, cleaning, changing diapers.

With that said, I have often dreamed of getting a really part-time job just so I can get out of the house and socialize when adults. I would love to come home and find the house clean, dinner on the table, and a pile of freshly folded laundry on my bed.

So, yeah, going to work (which most times can be left behind when the clock strikes 5:00) is like taking a vacation.; 3:43 PM
Anonymous said...: I, a SAHM, think my job is harder. And my husband has ALWAYS agreed. Just leave him with our 3 kids for a few hours and he is singing my praises when I get back. And my girls are pretty calm and easy to deal with!; 5:01 PM
Jen said...: It depends on the day. Today, SAHM hood is definitely harder. But when all is peaceful, the house is clean, and I can take a nice afternoon nap, the workplace looks a lot less appealing than my house.; 5:25 PM
Cichelli said...: What about a working mom who deals with all the household responsibilities (laundry, cooking, groceries, cars, bills, errands, dr. appointments, etc) plus wrestles the internal guilt (i love my job but i love my kids and i get criticized all the time by SAHMs, etc) plus has all the stress of providing for the family, plus the work and deadlines, which is incredibly fulfilling but incredibly demanding at the same time?

But honestly, single moms have it hardest of all. My husband was out of town Jan 3 - Feb 17, and I would never want to do it without him. My props and admiration go out to those women who are doing everything everyday by themselves. Wow.; 5:31 PM
Mindy said...: We've done both. Ste's been the stay-at-home papa while I've gone to work. I'd much rather be the one at home. I was so stressed! I think it's because I was trying to be all the roles; mommy, provider, wife...
It wore me out and I only did it for 4 months. I'm going to ask Steven what he thinks. I'm pretty sure he's going to say that staying at home is tougher.

...which means, for us, we're in the right place right now.; 7:43 PM
Melanie M. McKinnon said...: the answer to this question is different for every single person. i didn't know what i thought of it until the hubs got home and we talked about it.

i love being a sahm because i love my gracie. robby has such a hard time being away from gracie but still wouldn't want my job. he likes to get out of the house and i don't have a problem staying inside all day if i have to.

i feel like robby's job is much harder than mine but he enjoys it and i enjoy mine. i've never wanted to be a working mom. the only thing i'd like to do some day is go back to school just to take classes.

great htt!; 9:03 PM
Michelle said...: Amen to what Lizzie said!; 9:18 PM
Candice said...: Motherhood is the only job that doesn't come with regular breaks. Dads, the employed, they all have regular and planned time off. Even missionaries have a preparation day. Moms don't. That was the hardest adjustment for me, was never having time for myself after the baby was born. No matter how much you love motherhood and your children, it still is hard and continuous work.

Also, most Working Dads go to work and interact with other rational adults who are capable of communicating, where SAHMs deal with irrational and unreasonable and demanding babies and toddlers who, for the first year (or more) of life are unable to communicate their wishes.

When I do take a break from kids and house, I myself am renewed and refreshed, but it also jogs my husband's memory as to the level of difficulty child-rearing involves. I do love my job as a SAHM and still wouldn't trade my husband places. I like the dress code too much.; 11:59 PM
go boo boo said...: In my life, I wholly believe I have way too much fun as a SAHM to argue with, although I miss my old jobs and the fun lunches, shopping, & golf I did during work hours (I had some pretty sweet, well paying hook-ups back in the day!). But I don't do too well in the clean house department of my SAHMomness, so I can't argue this issue too heartily. If I did have a leg to stand on, although I have a blast, I would totally say work is easier - the implications and responsibility of raising children to be successful contributors to society (as a SAHM) is pretty gnarly if you ask me.; 4:04 AM
Leisha Mareth said...: Moms have it harder. My husband (who has a very demanding job in finance) stayed home for a couple of hours this morning so I could go to the Dr. I received a million out-of-breath cell calls. He suddenly blurted out, "HOW do you DO this every damn day???"

I rest my case.; 3:52 PM
Cormorant said...: So I think Lizzie has it right on. It may not really be fair to question "who has it harder?" but instead ask "what different strengths are needed for the situation?" Hopefully we can share responsibilities to some degree so that the empathy that needs to be in a marriage is truly there.; 7:02 PM
Anonymous said...: I was a professional for 7 years before having kids. My job was stressful and demanding but I would have to say that being a SAHM is harder!!!
My sister works full time and has 3little kids. She says that going to work is a break for her.; 4:54 PM
acte gratuit said...: Gabe just bit me while nursing. Twice. HARD!

My job is hardest.; 6:34 PM