7.03.2007
HTT - Discipline edition
Miss Dub now bites me when she's peeved and/or curious about the current flavor of my epidermis.
Miss Dub now throws things on the ground because it's fun, and sometimes to make a statement. (Like, "This yogurt does not match my capris!")
Miss Dub now whines and whines and whines when she doesn't get what she wants, which is pretty much always since her dream day would consist of watching "Baby Einstein" while chilling naked and eating adult desserts. Then, chatting online with her friends all night.
This new rebellious streak is obviously annoying, but much more disturbing because I have no idea what to do about it.
Discipline?
I hadn't given it much thought, to be honest. I kind of thought I could ride the baby-wave of perfect behavior for a couple years.
I mean, she is a baby so any disobedience on her part is not totally intentional or, at least, malicious. So no matter what she is forgiven and will be doled out endless amounts of patience and kisses. (Or is that my dream day?)
But I recognize that she needs a little direction. A little, "me no likey bitey" on occasion.
But how?
I know what I don't like --
Spanking - Yes, there's a reason this mommy post is a Hot Topic. Because things like spanking can get a lot of people hot and bothered, including myself. Because there is no scenario under the hot summer sun where I think spanking is acceptable (especially when it's a regular form of punishment and not a light pat hastily given during a mommy meltdown). I've heard people say that some kids just don't respond to verbal discipline. Well, that sucks, but hitting a child won't make them more obedient, unless out of fear. There's been serious studies done on this and spanked children end up in more trouble, with more issues and way more therapy. If it wasn't so early I'd go look them all up for you. But it is. So I won't.
Saying yes all the time - There are people out there who are such fans of positive reinforcement that the word "NO!' is not found in their mom-cabulary. While I'm all for constructive criticism and using positive options to help kids make a good choice, sometimes you've got to say, "No!" Like when your baby is about to touch a hot oven and there's no time to say, "Touch the carpet, please," or, "Would you rather play with your ball?" Also, there are moms who never say no, meaning that their kids get anything they want. Not a big fan of this theory either since instant gratification leads down a dark road that typically ends with credit card debt and an 8-year college plan. While I do think you should spare the rod, I think you should only occasionally spoil the child.
Saying no all the time - On the other side, there are parents who are constantly telling their kids no. Not only for bad behavior, but anything less than perfect and to all kid requests. I mean, we did choose to have kids. So sometimes you just have to say yes to things that aren't your favorite, like watching "Zoey 101" when you'd rather be watching "E!" Because if you always say no, your children may feel so restrained that their only option is to go wild. And you know where that leads - to a blurred-out image on a spring break bootleg video.
So I know what I don't like. But what do I like? Balance. Moderation. Patience.
But how do I deal those out? And to a baby is one thing, but what happens when Miss Dub is four? Or thirteen?
What's your take?
Any advice?
How do you discipline or were you disciplined?
And what's your take on spanking?
I promise I won't bite.
Miss Dub on the other hand ...
Posted by Mrs. Dub at 7:47 AM
12 comments Leave a witty comment hereLabels: discipline, Hot Topic Tuesday, parenting, spanking
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12 comments:
Here's my 2 cents:
I think it's more about CONSISTENCY than discipline. Kids like to test their limits. You have to pick which battles you want to fight (for example, I won't let Tyler fight but I will let Jackson wear cowboy boots everyday).
I also think there has to be positive reinforcement. Praising all the good things. And separating the child from the act (you are such a good boy, but that was a naughty thing to do!).
But with kids in daycare, biting and hitting are NOT acceptable and kids will be sent home. So I've learned that a good flick on the cheek after a bite teaches that was wrong. Reinforce with "I love you but we don't bite!"
I can't hit or spank. I think it sets a funny standard, like "it's okay to mom and dad to hit, but not you..." It just shows that hitting IS okay.
And DISTRACTION is my last suggestion. If they're doing something they shouldn't, you have to distract them with something fun they can do. Everytime, which goes back to consistency.
Oh, and when they're older, time outs. But right now your doll is too little to get that.
I agree with the above that you are at the age for distraction -- you just redirect that little babe to another activity. For the biting, I would give her a serious "no!" And you have to make sure she knows you are not happy with her, or she'll think it's funny and the biting may increase. I have to admit I've occasionally spanked a kid, and I'll also have to admit that it usually has a lot more to do with my head-state than it does with the severity of their disobedience. I would never advocate doing it regularly, but it definitely gets their attention.
Wow! this is a hard one... I think every child is different...and therefore every parent is different... one thing that works for one child doesn't work for another. You will find out that it is trial and error- but definitely whatever you do... consistency is so important (something I am trying to work on/ master) easier said than done. But- I have to say- when my three boys are driving me crazy, not listening, etc...etc... I have spanked once or twice (sometimes I have regretted it and sometimes I haven't!) Parenting is the ultimate challenge--- love is the key to the challenge-- you are going to make mistakes-- but they can be healed by love.
I agree with the previous comments: consistency, distraction, positive reinforcement... although that's easier said than done. And yes, just when you've figured out what works & how to "get through to" your firstborn, the 2nd comes along and requires a completely different tactic.
Not saying "no" all the time really takes effort, for me at least... when my son brought home his first grade Mother's Day present/booklet for me, there was a page of "fill in the answers," like "What does your mom like to wear" etc. Most of his answers were lovely except for "What does your mom say to you most often," to which he responded "Stop." I was so sad... & have tried to limit the "stop's" and "no's" since then. (But any kid gets a "no" for biting, for sure!)
You'll listen to what Dr. Phil has to say, or Super Nanny, or whoever... but what works for them won't always work for you. I don't think any of us will ever have it totally figured out.
My husband LOVES the "Parenting with Love and Logic" book. And while I agree that it is a great book, I occasionally get caught up in the moment of spanking when my boys are being little poo heads and won't listen to me. And it totally sends the WRONG message... especially when the 4 old just smacked the 2 year old, and I spank his bum while saying "WE DON"T HIT!" Hello...
Consistency is the key. Especially with teenagers.
And we were just talking about saying "No" for the sake of saying no. I feel like I don't say it enough- we're raising kids that will grow up thinking that the world will cater to their every whim and want. "No you can't have an otter pop today because in real life, in the real world, you can't have whatever you want whenever you want it!" But that's probably a whole different topic. Maybe I just shouldn't buy otter pops.
I have no idea. Just when I think I'm on top of my game and figured out something that works a new form or level of naughtiness appears. Power Struggles are the newest head-scratcher in my household. My 6 year old thinks he's in charge. I say just pray a lot for guidance and discernment, be consistent and loving and give fair consequences. Even ones as young as yours understand consequences. If every time they hit or bite, they get an appropriate consequence, they learn. Love and logic is perfect. If all else fails, just start saving for the therapy bills now!
I had a lady come to my house whose child I will possibly be caring for, 4 days a week in the fall. During our short little visit this child repeatedly tried to hug Ali and would then proceed to pinch her face, like with her whole fist... more than once. Hmm. I thought. and then I said
"So since the opportunity has presented it self, what is your theory on discipline" seeing as the child had none, since she didn't do anything the first two times the child did this!
"OH!" exclaimed the mother "She's only FIFTEEN MONTHS OLD, she doesn't know what she's doing!"
Ummm... I DON'T THINK SO. Not at my house. That kind of behavior will earn you a stern reprimand and 90 seconds on the time out stool in my entry way. (Since she's nearly a year and a half) She is also twice the size of my almost two year old and, frankly, a bruit.
But that's a 15 month old, not a less than 1 year old (how old is 'lil Miss again?)It is just an age and stage. I had to put all my videos in a cabinet instead of a book shelf b/c I just got tired of telling Ali to quit taking them off the shelf and unloading them!
The biting thing, I've dealt with that and sometimes a little bite back doesn't hurt (don't call cps). All my kids have done it. They don't understand how bad it hurts. (Ali bit Hannah's leg so badly after Natalie was born, that it bruised it to kingdom come! Ouch)
This too shall pass!
My youngest is a few months older than Miss Dub and the discipling began quite a while ago. You have to tell them "No" sometimes, but I just try and mix up the vocabulary a little bit. Use "Don't," "Stop," "No," "That's not okay," "I don't think so," "Are you kidding me?" "Seriously, are you joking?" Okay, so I don't use those last few. But I think them A LOT. I try to use the distraction thing with my baby and say, "How about you do this instead?"
I do spank. Sometimes. Not my youngest, but her 3 and 5 year old sisters. I also have them sit in the naughty corner. I also take away toys and TV watching. I also send them to their room. We have tried charts to mark down good behavior or bad behavior. I don't think that spanking is the best, but there isn't ONE thing that works all the time. Spanking can be effective in some situations. I am definitely not against it.
I'm having the same issue so i'll be eagerly reading the comments left for this one.
So it looks like I am kind of in the minority. I swore up and down when my oldest was a baby that I would never spank. However, there have been times when I have spanked, partially because I lost all self control, and other times because it seemed like it was deserved (like the day she bit my hand until I was in tears - although daddy spanked her then). So, I guess my opinion has changed to saying that an occassional spank is okay. She hasn't bit anyone since then.....and to that I say "lesson learned".
On the other hand I have to whole-heartedly agree with Mandee. A friend of mine recommended the "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" book to me. It talks a lot about consistency, and even time outs for young babies (for example: spitting baby food at you. Pick up the baby, say "Uh oh", put baby in crib for a few minutes). As they get older the book teaches you to put the responsibility on your child. Get them thinking about what they did wrong, rather than you TELLING them what they did. I found it to be a really easy read with some pretty sound advice.
But, as far as "books" go, I have learned that no one book can capture each child perfectly. Obviously there are going to be times where you are in a situation you have no idea what to do....like yesterday when my 3 year old put my mascara on herself. I wanted to get mad, but she kept saying "Look mom, I'm pretty!" How can you get mad at that?
For the past 3 years I've learned that you need to be consistent, be firm, and do it all with an extra amount of love (and a lot of self control).
i read the 'love and logic' book, and it worked really well for charlie. i know every kid is different, so take it for what it's worth.
i just liked it because i could be strict and set boundaries, but still be loving and never lose my temper.
enjoy!
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