Dear Zee,
Happy un-Birthday! You were supposed to be born this day. Then again, most babies aren't born on their due dates, and you weren't any different - except that instead of coming a couple weeks early like your sister, you came four months early ... and you only stayed for a minute.
At one point in my pregnancy, they moved your due date back a few days, but I just knew you wouldn't be a July baby. I assumed you would be born in June, which has made this month very bittersweet for me. But the more I think about it, you were always meant to be a February baby. Now, you share a birthday month with your dad and your aunt. Now, celebrating your special day will bring me sunshine during a month that is often gray.
Still, I have some regrets about our pregnancy - like how I focused too much on the pain and complications and not enough on your little kicks and subtle growth; how I complained more about the intense nausea and fatigue instead of marveling at the miracle of it all. I still feel bad that I had to deliver you before your little body had given in to its unique composition. But for just a moment, you got to experience life on earth, so maybe you didn't mind coming out so soon.
I wish that you could have stayed. I wish that you could have been born today, and that I could have taken you home from the hospital. I wish that I could watch you grow up and decide if you like tomatoes. (Your Dad and I do not.) I wish that you could be my baby on earth, but that's not what you were destined to be. You are my baby in heaven; I was merely a surrogate to help you get the body you needed to move forward eternally. In return, you touched my life - so many lives - in a way that cannot be measured in birthdays. You are priceless.
I miss you.
I love you.
Forever,
Your Mom
p.s. If you see a brother or sister hanging around, tell them to come on down!
6.30.2008
Due Date
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32 comments:
Dear Baby Zee,
I am so proud to be your Nanny. I just wish you could have gotten to know your mom because she would have amazed you. And made you laugh.
But my guess is that you know that already. We miss you. We love you. We always remember you.
Love, Nanny
Beautiful post..
Baby Zee is blessed to have you as her mother.
Dear Baby Zee,
How could one tiny little baby who only "lived" for a moment touch so many lives? But you have. You touched more lives in 40 weeks than most people do in a lifetime! I know that has only continued on the other side. Keep up all the good work and if you get a chance try to reach out to your mommy and remind her that you're near... we need that sometimes! You belong to a very strong family, it has been an honor to "meet" you and them.
p.s. Tell my little Savannah hi and give her a love for me!
Amen.
An absolutely beautiful post.
Thank you for that, and for your amazing spirit of courage and spiritual understanding.
We love and miss you all, especially Baby Zee.
Just when I think I am doing ok again I read a post like this and all the feelings come back and I'm in tears. Not only tears for me but tears for you too. I know that Scott's due date was difficult for me so I know how you are feeling today. I am sorry. Oh how I wish I could be there to give you a hug and tell you that you aren't alone. I am so grateful I got to come meet you. YOu have been such a strength to me the last six months.
love you and the little miss. i can't wait to see you soon so that i can give you a little squeeze. until then, today sounds like a great day for spiritual reflection, happiness, and perhaps an outfit and treat on me.
thinking about and loving you and baby zee today.
Beautiful post. Praying that you may you find comfort today and everyday.
love you and thinkin about you. i know i'll be thinkin about you for eternity. which is why i love you.
what a sweet post! we love you mrs. dub!!
You are such an example to so many. Thank you for the love and strength you have shared with my sister.
beautiful. your writing about baby zee is brilliant, and i'm so moved by it. thanks for sharing such an experience. hope you are all well. :) much love!
Dear Baby Zee,
Your Mom is really incredible, but I guess that you already know that. Your life taught me to do more with the time I've been given and to dig deeper into the beliefs of my heart. Even though you were so tiny, your reach grasped so far. I'm grateful to have gotten to know the little bit about you I know.
XOXO
Laura, you never seize to amaze me. I'm sure your open heart about all of this surely has helped someone struggling with the same issues.
I'm a 26-year-old male blog-stalker you just made cry . . . while I am busy not working at my law office. I hope nobody comes in right now.
That made me cry.
Buckets.
Thanks for the gentle reminder of why we are here... and that there really is a purpose to this rat race!
Note to self: do not read this blog at work. More often than not I'm laughing or crying out loud.
Friend, in a world short on inspiration, you are constantly my source of more.
I know it has been unfathomably hard. But I know it will be made up to you. You will be able to hold her again and will relish in every last second.
i love you and baby zee too!
Thank you, Mr. Underhill. Knowing you are there to take care of all of my babies makes every single day easier.
Thank you for helping me remember how precious my little ones really are.
mrs. dub - thanks so much for sharing your letter to your sweet baby zee.
I am speechless. That is perhaps the most beautiful thing I have ever read. I don't even know you, but I want to be your best friend (how's that for blog etiquette!)
i read a quote by neal maxwell the other day and it made me think of you and so many other moms who have lost babies.
"Righteous sorrow and suffering carve cavities in the soul, that will become later, reservoirs of joy."
read it here. they lost a baby girl, too. love you mrs dub and baby zee, too.
Hi Mrs. Dub. I've been reading your blog on and off for the past few months. Since English is my second language (I'm Filipino) and I live in the Philippines, its very interesting to me how you use it. I feel some sort of connection with you because I am also a reporter/editor and also LDS.
I was touched by your post on Baby Zee. I lost a baby too, but he lived only four months inside me. My sister lost her baby at four months. Somehow, in my agony, I realized that these souls were so precious they only needed a few minutes in mortality. Unlike most of us who need years to learn our lessons, they needed only a second, a minute, a day, a month. Oh, how I would love my Baby Zee too :( but it's a great comfort he's watching out for our little family.
More power to you!
That was so touching! I have to give this lesson in a couple of weeks and thought of you:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=da135f74db46c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=1d6720596a845110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&hideNav=1&contentLocale=0
I am teary-eyed in the middle of my work office. You are such a admirable person, Mrs. Dub, and thank you for posting something so personal.
That was very sweet. I'll miss your posts in the next 2 weeks.
It was so good to meet you this past week. I sure enjoyed chatting with you and sharing stories. This little post reminded me so much of my little Emma! Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts with me (at LEGOLAND of all places!) Hope we will be able to chat again soon and that the rest of your vacation was fabulous!
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