Still under it

I'm sure some of you are growing weary of me talking about Baby Zee. You might think I'm bitter or overreacting. You might think I should be over it already.

But I'm not.

I still cry. I still think about her. I still walk through the baby section at Target and feel a bit disoriented. I still obsess about having another baby, even though I have to wait 6-12 months to make sure I don't have placental cancer.

Like any life experience, I've suddenly met tons of people who have experienced infant loss, both recently and long ago. As we've talked, I've noticed a few common emotions and experiences that I'd thought I'd share to help people understand us better.

First, we want to celebrate our baby's life, no matter how short, and that doesn't mean hushed conversations when the moment is just right. It's not that we don't appreciate your sympathy and reverence, it's just that we're not always sad about our babies. Sometimes we feel proud or nostalgic. Often times I just want to vent about my recent pregnancy - "the nausea was the worst!" - without bringing everyone to an awkward silence. I feel like I have to hold myself back from making others feel uncomfortable.

Also, we want people to acknowledge our children and give us credit for their existence. (Labor is labor, people!) We don't want you to avoid the topic or dance around the details. Even if it drudges up some emotions, we're grateful for the chance to share. But please do not tell us that our babies are "mistakes" or "accidents of nature," or that their deaths are "really for the best." Let us make those judgment calls.

Now, I'm not speaking to any of my friends or family so stop wondering. And do not call me! (That means you, Mom.) I'm not depressed, though the experience does make me melancholy at times. I'm not taking this any harder than anyone else in my situation would. And I'm not refusing to move forward; I'm just insisting on taking my memories with me.

Because what I'm experiencing is normal, even though I can never really be a normal mom again. But no one really makes it through motherhood unscathed. I mean, your son might get into role-playing games, so we all have our challenges. I just don't want to be rushed through mine.