When my SIL, Emily, offered to take over Hot Topic Tuesday for me, I couldn't refuse. First, we're not sleeping much at our house these days because apparently you can get roseola twice. Second, Emily is selling her house and whether or not you live in Rhode Island, you MUST BUY IT! Third, she is the witty author of Acte Gratuit, which is a French phrase that no one can pronounce. No one. So without further ado, let's turn up the heat:
Mrs. Dub was generous enough to let me borrow her blog today so I could do a little venting and maybe get some helpful advice. Two weeks ago, her hot topic dealt with “Mom mistakes” and it got me thinking about the problem in a different way. What if you are a witness of “Bad Mom behavior” or just any bad behavior in general. When do you intervene?
There are times when I see a mom yelling at her kid in the grocery store that I want to walk up, make a citizens arrest and take immediate custody of her child. (If you ever see me at the store and I’m the mom yelling, please take custody of my children! I could use the break!)
But for the most part I walk the other way and do nothing.
So I’m going to share three stories with you and then I want you to tell me what you would have done. Here goes:
#1 A mom is sitting in her car, in a parking lot, waiting for her baby to wake up so they can join the rest of the family at the beach. She has her windows down and watches and listens as a man and little girl start loading up in a nearby car. The little girl is probably 5 and has done something to seriously upset the man. He is yelling at her, berating her, threatening her, telling her that her mom isn’t worth “this aggravation” and he’s ready to “get the ____ out”. His verbal abuse is so bad, it leaves the eavesdropping mom to suspect much more serious abuse at home. The little girl's Mom makes it back to the car, listens to the mans vitriol, and sheepishly gets in the car with out a word in her daughter's or her own defense.
#2 Three days a week, a woman drives up to the local preschool to drop-off and pick-up her three-year-old. She leaves her other two children, a sleeping baby and a six-year-old, in the running car. The walk up to the school is a little long, and she cannot see the car once she’s inside the preschool.
#3 A neighbor notices something amiss with one of the families in the neighborhood. The four kids never seem to be in school and are always running around with bare feet. Not only that, the mom is pregnant again with number five!!!
Here’s what happened next:
#1. I was the mom in the car. I sat there listening to this big jerk feeling totally helpless. I wanted to get out and yell at him, but since I’m a total weakling, I had to consider my safety and the safety of my baby. I thought about calling the cops, but figured they wouldn’t be able to do anything. “Officer, that man was YELLING! Take him away!!!” I even thought about writing down his license plate so I could track him down and figure out a way to report him to CPS. But ultimately I did nothing and still feel horrible that I didn’t find a way to help that innocent little girl.
#2. Once again, I’m the mom in the car. Or at least, the mom that left her kids in the car. Here was my thinking: “Six is pretty old! Surely Max can keep an eye on Gabe who is safely buckled into his car seat and isn’t going anywhere. I’ll leave the car on so they don’t get too hot (or cold). There are so many moms around, nothing is going to happen to them! My mom used to leave me in the car to run into the store all the time. Max is old enough that if someone tried to get in, he could lay on the horn.”
Yes, that was almost a whole paragraph of self-justification and yes, when I type it out, it does sound lame even to me. Which is why I totally deserved what happened next.
A few weeks into the school year, I got an e-mail from a good friend who took her daughter to the same school. She said she’d been really upset by seeing me leave the kids in the car, that it was dangerous and illegal in some states. She gave me some examples of the horrible things that could happen, offered to sit with my kids if I really couldn’t manage by myself and begged me to forgive her for saying all this in e-mail form. Basically, she told me I was an idiot and needed to get a clue, just in much nicer terms. I immediately wrote her back thanking her for her concern and promised not to do it again. For all I know, she saved me from a very unfortunate encounter with the cops, or worse, a situation that would have put my boys in serious danger.
#3 The family with the 4 (now 5) kids are friends of mine. A neighbor reported them to Child Protective Services, who opened a file on them and came by for a surprise visit. When CPS showed up, they talked to my friend who home-schools her (very bright) children and thinks (like me) that it’s okay for little kids to run around barefoot. She mentioned that her husband is a Neuro-Psychologist who works for Harvard and that her kids are well-taken care of and well-loved. The case was closed.
So, now that you know the kind of hypocritical pansy I am, I want to know what you would have done.
What do you do when you see something happening to a child that worries you?
Do you jump right in and try to help, or hang back and mind your own business? (Or are you the snarky neighbor type who likes to stay anonymous?)
I’d love to hear what you all think! Just don’t tell me I’m an idiot, because I already know that!
Thanks for the soap-box Mrs. Dub!
27 comments:
Um, you forgot to mention that I am NOT the woman in fish-nets with bum hanging out in the above picture!
It's not me people!!!
Thank you for giving my baby, Mrs. Dub a well deserved break. What I liked best about this post was that each scenerio had a different angle to it and took me by surprise.
My only comment is that I work really hard at giving the mom with the screaming baby in the store lots of sympathetic looks. Babies scream. I am surprised at the number of people who somehow think this is an infringement on their rights.
very interesting hot topic. i am never sure what to do in situations like that. fortunately, i have never really run into any. i was at a michael's store once, and some parents were totally screaming at their children and then spanked them REALLY hard several times, and the poor kids just kept saying "stop" and "no" over and over. a lady who witnessed it did not hesitate to take action, she told the dad that that was not ok, he told her to mind her own business, and she went to the cashier and called CPS. Those people got out of that store so fast!!!
in that situation, it sounds like they got away with it, but i think that mom and dad will think twice before "beating" their children in public, and hopefully before doing it in the privacy of their own home as well. so i think that lady did make a difference.
but you are right, sometimes it's so hard to know what is really going on. but like in your first scenario, you had kind of a gut feeling, and sometimes it's good to go with that. but maybe that neighbor had a gut feeling too. but if you are a neighbor, it seems there is more you could do than just anonymously turn someone in. you could go introduce yourself, get to know them and the situation before you make assumptions based on what you only see. I just finished reading the book Atonement, and this is exactly what that book is about. how reporting something the way you see it can have HUGE repercussions.
Hi! I'm a friend of Em Dub, and thought I'd stop in for her hot topic debut. (Nice job Em!)
1 - I totally would have done nothing. I am a complete pansie. Like you, I would be concerned for my safety if he really were that violent looking. I would have, however, shot him a few dirty looks that I hope he saw.
2- tough one. I RARELY leave my kids in the car alone. General rule: not at all. However... the word rarely indicates that I have done so, and I have. At the gas station here in my little town, I have left my two angels in the car, running, doors locked (I take the opener button thing with me)while I run in to grab drinks for me and the kids. I justify this with saying that I can see the car the whole time, and the doors are locked, but we both know this is bogus. I won't be doing it again.
3 - I wouldn't have given those kids a second thought.
Very interesting subject. I haven't seen a lot of rotten parenting in public, but when my sister was in jr. high, someone reported that one of the teenagers was talking about committing suicide. Whoever reported it said it was my sister but apparently got the wrong name. So my sister was held after school, and they called my mom in to investigate and interview. I think it's important to be careful in running to CPS.
My mom also had the police come to her house because my down syndrome brother loved to sit by the jet in the tub and got a funny bruise from it. So the teachers at school were concerned when they helped him go to the bathroom and found the bruise. Mom was glad that there were concerned citizens watching out for her son, and the police were relieved at the result of the visit. I feel like if they are good parents, the case will be closed quickly as it was in your scenario, too. It's better to be safe than sorry.
I think I would (and will) have done all of the things that you have done. Especially the last one. I was a homeschooler and I was barefoot. And I had five younger siblings. And my daughter is constantly barefoot and I am constantly getting it.
The mean man could have been a man I know. A man with a temper who just yelled at everyone without any word from his wife. He's mellowed out with time, and some of his children have forgiven him. The worst part (that I can see) from this behavior is this: now his daughter treats people the way he taught her to treat them. And she's pregnant. When I think about what her poor children are going to have to endure, I cringe and vow to never leave mine with her.
It's tough being a mom. And sometimes we lose it. Sometimes people are too sensitive to us losing it. And sometimes we make mistakes, but that doesn't make us (or them) bad moms.
I definitely wouldn't have done anything about the last one, probably not anything about the second one except watch the car myself while the mom was running up to get her other kid, but the first one... most child abuse comes from non-biological "parents." So yes, I would have done something, although I'm not sure what! And it may have been over too quickly for me to even think of anything. I probably would have called CPS and told them to check it out. Or maybe just walked over and offerred to help since he seemed to be having such a hard time. Just something to let him know that other people were noticing his ridiculous behavior.
As a pediatric dentist I run into similar situations, and as your husband have been part of 2 of the three situations mentioned. First of all, don’t leave my kids alone in the car anymore, second I left them alone when I went into AAA. Let’s not do that anymore.
A few things I have learned in the last years in my Pediatric Dentistry residency are:
1. Don’t get directly involved with angry people. Call security or the police to handle such situations. Otherwise, it may put you in danger.
2. When dealing with a CPS situation check your own feelings about why you are doing it. Example: I had to report a mom to DCYF because she would not get her 4 year old the urgent dental care that he needed (full mouth treatment under general anesthesia). I began the process with a vendetta. “I am going to bust this s-t-u-p-i-d mom!!” As I went through the process I began to understand her situation a little better and switched from busting the stupid mom to helping the poor mom. My actions didn’t change but I think the outcome was better because I became more understanding of the situation. I’ve had to seek out DCYF/CPS around 5 or 6 times now. FYI the mom did end up getting the child treated. I’m not sure how he is now because they missed their last appointment. I agree it is better to be safe than sorry.
3. My final comment is when seeing someone yelling at their kids, and violence to you isn’t an issue, see if you can help them. Example: Mom was in our waiting room yelling at her kids (around 5 or 6 kids, some of which weren’t hers). The secretaries were talking bad about her. I thought about calling Code Grey for the security to deal with her. It wasn’t that severe so instead I went out and talked with the kids to distract them and get them to leave the mom alone. (Who wouldn’t start yelling at their kids waiting in a busy dental clinic for an hour?)
I do like your net nylons, babe!
i can't say what i would do. in the case of the yelling man, i may have written down the license plate and called CPS but would not have thought of it at that moment. if i do ever encounter a situation like that, though, now i know what i will do.
it's hard to intervene on other people's parenting. i wouldn't want someone telling me how to raise my kids which is why it would be pretty hard for me to say anything to anyone else.
i've also been investigated by CPS after Gus died (just as procedure after any SIDS case) and felt like an awful parent but there was nothing on their list that i'd even done so the case closed quickly, thank goodness.
i say if you see something questionable, it doesn't hurt to anonymously call CPS. they are good people and not "out to get you" as it would seem.
So nice to find a voice of reason in blogland! I just spent the last 30 minutes reading your blog and loved every second of it! And yes, you CAN have more than one baby/bridal shower - as many as you want! Where's the harm in that?!? You've been bookmarked and I can't wait to come back!
I'm the one who talks big and bad, but when faced with the situation I just let it happen. We were in Chili's a few weeks ago - without kids - and a mom was there with her daughter, maybe 18mos, who started throwing a small fit (my Mollie could outscream her anyday). It wasn't really that distracting, until the mom hauled off and slapped her hard across the face. The screams came to a crescendo, so the mom hurried and shoved a binkie into the kid's mouth. I gasped, quietly told Brett what happened and watched them in secret until they left. There are times in the life of a parent, even the best most patient parent in the world, when you just want to beat that kid but the difference is, most of us walk away, take a deep breath, count to 10 or whatever and don't actually beat them. I feel like so many times people just sit quietly and watch (myself included) but maybe we should start speaking up. Like so many people have said, if you really aren't doing anything wrong it will all turn out okay in the end. But if there is a situation that needs a little intervention, you just might save the physical and emotional well-being of an innocent child. I've even had bystanders stop me in the grocery store or Target and tell me to have my kids sit down so they don't fall out of the cart - I feel so embarrassed, but what they are saying is so true! Sorry for the rant, I must be either bored or starved for adult conversation.
PS Love the post Em, let's get together and ignore our kids while they run amok!
no, that's not emily - she would look way hotter in fishnets and hot pants.
and thanks so much for getting us thinking. i'm the queen of calling the cops and what not - and while it makes me unpopular with mr. dub at times, i say better safe than sorry. especially when it comes to our young ones.
Great hot topic! I've never witnessed serious abuse out in public, but if I did, I would probably get the license plate number of the person when they left the store and call CPS on them in a heartbeat. Now that I'm a foster mother I've come to see that what we see in public is usually less than what the child receives at home.
The worst thing I HAVE seen was two young women take a really young child into a rated R movie (yep, I was in there too!) When there were graphic violent scenes the child got really upset and the girls (I think one was his mother...) started laughing. I went and got the manager, but he said that minor children can go in as long as a parent is with them. I just spoke loudly about what terrible people they were (my big husband was there to protect me if they turned on me...)
I do have a funny story about your third incident. We once had a new neighbor move in across the street. Her kids ran barefoot and wild in the streets 24/7. One day I hear this... "Awww Mom, don't make me put my LEGS on, I can't run as fast!" I HAD to peek out the window for that one! I wasn't aware before that that the boy had both legs amputated and wore prosthetic legs most days!
And, yes, at preschool, I have left my other kids in the car to run my daughter in. The school even sends out notices that it's against the law and I did see the Oprah where a Mom did that and her boys all got burned up by the cig. lighter in the car. I don't know why I choose convenience some days, I probably should stop.
Story. Its not mine, but my sister's: She was in the gas station paying for some gas (go figure) and picking up a slurpee for her son. A man with a young girl were in line just ahead of her. The little girl wanted a sucker, but her dad only had enough for his pack of smokes. He bought the smokes, made the girl put her treat away and walked quickly to the car. My sister grabbed the sucker (paid for it first) and ran as fast as she could to the man's car. She opened the car door, handed the sucker to the little girl and told her dad, "you need to get your priorities straight!!". He told her to "F%#$ OFF!" She closed the door and felt she accomplished something very big that day. I would have looked... felt sorry for the little girl... and stood there. Everyone needs an advocate. Who cares what that person thinks about you. You most likely won't ever see that person again, but the child will probably never forget.
I am a friend of Mama Bear (kim) and she sent me a link to this post. I loved it. Very interesting topic. I usually sit back and watch, but always feel bad and wish I had the gus to say something. I will think of this post next time I lose my courage and hopefully will do the right thing (whatever that may be). Great post!!
Great post, Emily! Your scenarios show me that most parents deserve the benefit of the doubt. Most parents love their kids and are doing the best they can. In those cases we need to react with compassion, not judgment or hostility. We all make mistakes as parents.
As far as how to deal with the exceptions-- the parents who truly do neglect or abuse their children-- I hope that some intervention can be made that best serves the children. And I pray that I never have to be the one to step in and make that call. Some of the stories I've heard about CPS don't give me that much confidence in their ability to meet the needs of the children either.
This was a great post because I think it will make all moms who read it aware of the fact that we need to look out for other children, and also look to ourselves. I know I will defnitely try to be more active and aware.
i like bartimaeus' comment about angry people. you can't confront those people who just lay in to their children while you're standing about. they're angry and probably defensive and maybe, if they're not the super-crappy parents we suspect them of being, really, really embarrassed by what they just did. gently going up to one of them and saying something could result in a bad situation which, if they are the super-crappy parents we suspect them of being, may be taken out on the child later.
I can't believe I am defending the mother most likely to be analyzed but she looks like a million other girls that just left dance practice. She's wearing a leotard with dancer shorts, (riding high admittedly) and holes in her stockings just like every other girl that dances everyday. Should she have changed before she picked up her child?
i feel aweful. just a couple weeks ago, i was leaving a park. there was a boy riding a bike. he had a developmental disability and could not keep his balance. a group of adults were laughing at him. first off, i hope they were not his parents. or maybe i was hoping that they were laughing at something else. i mean, you have to be positive before confronting someone... but still i didn't even offer to help the boy. i could have set a better example for my two children. after all, my nephew is disabled.
That lady in the picture is Britney Spears, no?
I gasped at the story of a mom slapping an 18 month old. I have an 18 mo old. I could cry thinking about that.
I hate hate hate when parents yell at their kids in public. But- maybe its a rare melt down? I dont know. Depends on the tone, body language, and child reaction. Do I say anything? No. But I feel bad. And helpless. Working around CPS a few years back I dont have much faith in them sometimes but they try.
Ironically, Wednesday's Oprah was about this very topic! They set up hidden cameras to see if people would intervene when they witnessed bad/racist/dangerous behavior. Most people wouldn't, but I was cheering out loud for the people who did!
I'm having a hard time with the barefoot one. If that's a crime, my kids and I should be in prison for life.
So I am finally going to comment after being a silent reader to both you and Emily's blogs! As I am older (ok I have finally faced it) than both of you, I have seen more bad things happen to kids... And I, like you Emily, have done some of these said "Bad Things." But one thing I have come to realize is that I never know the "Whole Story" behind them. I have realized that if I see a situation where a child's life is in danger, I would indeed interfere immediately. But if I see Sit #1 happening I would try something like (1) getting out of my car and being visible. (sometimes that helps if they know others are around) or (2) ask if I could possibly help in some way loading their car etc. The Savior taught by example and I think it is very powerful. As for Sit. #2 Your friend is a good friend and I would definetly take her up on staying with the car! Sometimes we need to admit to shortcomings and welcome help. So sit #3 .. What's up with that? Is there a law of how many Kids we can have? After all I have four but it often seems like more than I can handle, and I know people who have 8 that seem much better than me!
Little kids shouldn't have suckers.
The most often situation I see is a parent trying to get their kid to come and when he or she doesn't, the say, "Come right now or I'll leave you." or something like that. I have often said to them, no you wouldn't, or if it's a lady, and I don't fear them physically, I simply say, "Liar"
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