Zee's story

As you've all figured out, our time with Baby Zee came to an early conclusion last week. In the end my health necessitated her delivery, even though she was still alive and doing well. I, however, began to develop preeclampsia, requiring induction considering the danger it was to my health and the inevitable fatality of her condition.

Even though the doctors encouraged me to have a medical procedure rather than a delivery, Mr. Dub and I felt strongly that Baby Zee deserved a traditional chance at life, even though she was so tiny. I went in early Monday morning to be induced, but the medicine used to soften my cervix caused my placenta to disintegrate. By noon, I had begun to hemorrhage severely and had to receive an emergency C-section and blood transfusion.

Although a C-section is never ideal - I seriously don't understand women who request them, but that may be tomorrow's HTT - it ended up saving mine and Baby Zee's lives. While a normal delivery might have been too much for her, she was able to take a few breaths and heartbeats before passing away less than a minute later.

Mr. Dub and I, unfortunately, missed those moments since I was in the OR and received general anesthesia. But we were thrilled to find out she had made it through, which is important to us as a family and to our genealogy records.

We did have the chance to hold her. She was very tiny. At only 6 ounces, she was smaller than a glass of water and very delicate, but she already had the beginnings of a perfect body, complete with little fingers and toes. She looked strange, but we didn't mind. We were just happy to put an image with the little person who had been growing in my belly all those weeks.

I think we're doing pretty good. Physically, I'm feeling great and finding that a C-section is less painful than being full of cysts. (They're already shrinking, thankyouverymuch.) Emotionally, I felt very strong the first day but have had bouts of melancholy since, which I think is normal.

As I've said to many people, I really don't feel like we "lost" a baby. Baby Zee developed triploidy in the moment of her conception. It is part of her unique identity. She was never meant for a long life. She was always meant for heaven. So I don't feel like we were denied a baby who was supposed to be my newborn or my 5-year-old. I just feel like we were blessed to get a special baby who was meant to be ours for a few months.

Still, so much of me wants to go back in time a few weeks to when I actually believed she was going to be born this summer as a healthy little babe. It's confusing to be done with a pregnancy long before I expected to be. It's really confusing to be recovering from a C-section with no new baby to show for it. And don't get me started about how awkward it's been to explain it to well-meaning strangers or hospital staff.

But there have been miracles in all this. For one, it's a miracle to realize how strong you are when you are faced with a challenge that you think you can't handle. It's a miracle that we've had so much peace and guidance when making important decisions about her health and care. And it's a miracle that she and I survived the birth.

Still, it hurts. It's really hard for me to think that she's been out of me and gone for a week now; that all I have of her for the rest of my mortal life is memories, a few photos, some footprints and her ashes.

But thankfully I know she is ours for eternity.

And that's the greatest miracle of all.