10.22.2007

A lesson for me


I learned a good lesson the hard way yesterday while teaching a lesson, which is not only confusing, but a particularly public forum to make a mistake.

I volunteered to teach the lesson in Relief Society (the LDS Church’s women’s organization), which happened to be on women. I read the lesson a few times through, but didn’t put in any deep preparation because it seemed like a generally uplifting topic – “a pat on the back” for women as I called it at the beginning of the lesson.

I didn’t really pray about the lesson. I didn’t really ponder on how to present it. I figured I could fall back on my blabber-mouth abilities and just roll with the subject matter as discussion got going.

Well, I was wrong.

First, it was not a “pat on the back” for everyone. Even though there were great attempts in the lesson to address the different talents, feelings and life situations of most women, it couldn’t possibly cover all the individual circumstances. So after I waxed on and on about woman’s innately nurturing nature, one sister commented that, “Actually, it’s not natural. I’ve had to work for years to be nurturing. We are not all born that way.”

And that was just the tip of an iceberg that began to melt in the classroom, leaving me to drown in a pool of my own insensitivity. Several women had to point out that vague generalizations couldn’t fully capture the individual natures of every woman. And they’re right. I know that, I just didn’t take the time to say it at the beginning of the lesson.

Also, while I wanted to stress the equality of mothers and women without children ... I didn’t do enough preparation to have insightful words and examples on hand, leaving me to fluster through personal stories of being a wife and mother, thus slinging arrows into the hearts of women who don’t share my personal situation and don’t need another reminder.

Now, I want to make it clear that I wasn’t being cruel or rude. I embraced the comments as they came and clarified their importance. In the end, I think I faked a certain calmness that covered up some of my worst blunders. I don’t think anyone left inspired, but I don’t think anyone left offended either.

But that’s not good enough.

In general, I don’t favor obsessive political correctness because no matter what you say someone can be offended if they choose to. I can’t pretend not to be a mother and wife – I have to draw on both of those things because that is my life experience. It’s who I am, and I can’t deny that.

But I could have been kinder. I could have been more sensitive. And, most importantly, I could have been more prepared.

Which brings me to my final musing, which is this: It’s time to grow up. I think for so long I thought I could skate by half-heartedly in life because I was the young one, the college student, the newlywed, the new mother. I felt like I wasn't expected to do as much, know as much, serve as much or achieve as much.

But I’m not so young anymore. I’m an adult. And adults have to do hard things. And even though my life is busy, and even though I’m still not as established as other women I know, I am no less accountable for my actions. I am no less needed to mend broken hearts, strengthen feeble knees and truly prepare a freaking lesson.

Like the lesson said: “Let other women pursue heedlessly their ... selfish interests. You can be a much needed force for love and truth and righteousness on this planet.”

Guess it’s time to take off my training wheels.

Guess it’s time to grow up.

24 comments:

joojierose said...

it's hard to find the fine line or real definition of "selfish" in related to women vs. men. what is seen in selfish for women is often seen as natural or expected in men. and i think that's where it all gets sticky. this issue is huge, and so sensitive. i don't envy you having to give this lesson! it may be impossible to not offend.

Laurel said...

I've done the same...for many years I've relied on the spirituality I gained as a missionary and put little thought into my church assignments. I was recently asked to teach gospel doctrine (a Sunday school class) and I realized that my "missionary testimony" just wasn't enough if I planned on magnifying my calling. Taking the training wheels off has been difficult in the sense that I've had to learn all over again how to prepare and plan for my calling. Good for you for realizing you needed to change. That really is the point of having an assignment at church…to learn and grow.

Rachie said...

I totally relate to the feeling of being "young". I also would fall back on the sweet smile and nodding to most conversations. I now need to back it all up!

Lindsey from The R House said...

it's hard to be sensitive to everyone. it is something that requires prayer and planning especially when you are in a diverse ward. i find that going in prepared helps me to teach truth. only truth. that is what going to church is about--learning truth. sometimes those words are hard for others to hear, but when "you are prepared, you shall not fear." the Spirit has this marvelous ability to smooth out and soften my words. (and the words that i hear as a student as well.)

as someone who is in a potentially "offendable" situation, i am touched that you want to be more sensitive and understanding to women in different circumstances than your own. i wish more people would realize that and try. kudos to you!

sara said...

Once I had to teach a lesson about the temple and there was a whole section about marriage that I deliberately glossed over, just because of a recently-divorce woman sitting in the front row. I was so worried about saying something offensive or that would hurt her feelings, but in the process I skipped the best part of the lesson and was called out on it by a few other people... it can be hard can't it? And yeah, I hear you about the "growing up" thing; I've had that same epiphany myself.

Mandee said...

I used to teach in R.S. and there were many times where I felt like I had failed the entire congregation of women.

But I promise you, there was at least one woman (if not lots) in the group who needed to hear something that you shared. So, don't be too hard on yourself. And know, there will be a lot of "next times"!

janaya said...

i feel your pain. i have been there and done that and wanted to stop mid-lesson and say "wait! stop! this is going all wrong. can i get a redo?"

i have to say, teaching in a BYU ward has given me a false sense of security... because teaching in a regular family ward is a whole nother ball game. suddenly you're faced with diversity you don't expect, opinions that are solid and that have been established since before your own mother was born, and amazingly brutal honesty. despite how real your epiphany and how true it might be that you needed to be better prepared than you were (there's always next time), i tend to lean on the side of feeling for the teacher. not everyone can or will get up in front of the class and "take one for the team" and take the beating that sometimes comes when addressing issues better suited for a HTT blog post... it's hard. it's exhausting. and you volunteered.

of course you have to be kind and sensitive and REALLY careful what you say and where you allow the discussion to go, but in the end, you're right that you can't make everyone happy... and truthfully, if you just read straight out of the manual, those prophets sure aren't politically correct or on a mission to avoid offense. they just say it like it is, and sometimes it's hard for people to hear. but they still need to hear it.

acte gratuit said...

Yikes! Sounds like you did a great job despite it all. What I want to know is this;
Is it possible to stand up for your convictions and beliefs without offending anyone? I don't know if it is. And maybe that goes for teaching too! And maybe that's okay.

liz said...

You know, I agree that we need to be sensitive to everyone's needs, but sometimes I think women should bite their tongues when making comments in these lessons. We had that same lesson yesterday in my ward, and one woman made what to me seemed an overly negative comment. The spirit was just gone, and hard to get back. Could she have just kept that thought to herself and given the poor teacher a break? I want people to be able to share thoughts and experiences, but I don't think relief society lessons are meant to be a debate. It's such a fine line I guess...

After reading some of the comments about Julie Beck's conference talk on some other blogs, I realized that a lot of women seem to have a real chip on their shoulder about their roles, and it makes me kind of sad. I don't know what the solution is, but I do know that the Lord loves us and wants us to be happy, not angry and/or frustrated.

Colleen said...

Guess it’s time to take off my training wheels.

Guess it’s time to grow up.


Wow. Way to sum up precisely how I've been feeling for awhile now. It must be my looming 30th birthday, but I totally feel you on this one.

Jessi said...

I would have loved to be there for your lesson. Some of my very favorite R.S. lessons are when people are honest about their struggles, questions, and concerns regarding the topic. It sounds like you were able to moderate a very interesting discussion. It didn't go quite like you had hoped, but I doubt you are the only one that gleaned some valuable insights from the experience.

Anonymous said...

A few months ago in my old ward I decided to get up and bear my testimony in Sacrament meeting. I shared with the group that I had recently gone to an old high school friend's wedding. 5 or 6 of my closet high school non-LDS girlfriends were also at the wedding. I told my ward how I was nervous about going because I hadn't seen these girls since high school and these girls were now lawyers, had PhD's, big corporate jobs, etc. and I am proudly a stay-at-home mom. But our lives are so different. The point of sharing it was just that I was so thankful for the gospel and for the way it has shaped my life (or something). BUT, while I was making my point about how different my old friends were from me, I blurted out, "I mean, we are all 27 and they are not even married yet!!" Ouch. My old ward has at least a dozen women in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, who are not married yet. So bad.

Note to self: Most people DON'T get married at age 18 like you did!

hilari said...

does it count that in my mind i am still 20?

Kate said...

Well said! I think marriage has done that for me... I used to worry about me not being happy and this was the way marriage was 'supposed' to be--- until I started to look outside myself and realize- I am living with a completely different individual who has different needs, wants, desires, etc. Anyways- yes - I still have some growing up to do and I need to realize that life is not all about having fun and being happy all of the time... sometimes we have to sacrifice for others... but in the end- we will be much happier and we won't be stepping on other peoples' toes all the time (personal experience!)

Kelley Bochman Smith said...

I am so proud oh my Mrs.Dub! and as I read the other comments, my heart sang with joy to be able to share in the process of "growing up" and being a real woman. A woman of strength and compassion. I am constantly struggling to be a better woman,mother,daughter of God, and I appreciate all the help I can get. You gals are amazing!!!!

Anonymous said...

Oh Mrs. Dub...so many things I could say... I had a horrible teaching experience a few years back. The topic was chastity. I thought I could wing it (I know, I know). It was SO bad that one of the RS counselors presented a REDO the next week! I wanted to shout to all of them that I was sorry! I pondered whether I should make a public apology or write everyone apology letters. I was humiliated but also humbled! It's painful to make a mistake (in my case, not preparing), but it's so much worse when there are witnesses! I think that's why Elder Bednar gave that talk on not being offended. You never know whether or not the person who offended you is going to go home and kick herself for saying what she did.

Wonderland Girl said...

First off, I want to say that I feel you are my friend and I wished I could call you after I read this post! I'm such a dork. Back to reality, I don't know you. But I gave this lesson myself yesterday. And I wanted to say a couple of things:
1. Janaya is right--our prophets don't tiptoe around the right thing to say. They say it with love, and they speak the truth. That's it. No apology.
2. HOWEVER, while studying this lesson, I felt kinda down! I was kinda getting my "time to grow up" message from the lesson itself. I cried a ton! Feeling like there was so much I needed to do better. And then I turned to Teachings of Gordon B. Hinckley book, like I do every lesson, and found this quote that I thought you might like to hear. :) "I feel to invite women everywhere to rise to the great potential within you. I do not ask that you reach beyond your capacity. I hope you will not nag yourselves with thoughts of failure. I hope you will not try to set goals far beyond your capacity to achieve. i hope you will simply do what you can do in the best way you know. If you do so, you will witness miracles come to pass."

liz said...

Thanks so much for the quote Alison Dudley, whoever you are. That's going on my blog today.

Mrs. Dub said...

alison, you are my friend!

Leisha Mareth said...

Eh, we've all been there. I was Gospel Doctrine teacher a few years ago and I still wake up in a cold sweat thinking of how I could have done certain lessons better or prepared more fully. At least you aren't as obsessive as I am and fear you've sent some poor soul off to apostasy because you weren't as prepared as you would have liked. Life is a constant stream of course corrections, at least you know when you feel you need to make one! (I can't say the same for everyone!)

Ilene said...

Thanks for this post. I have the same tendency to just "wing it." That is not fair to the people I teach or myself. Why is it so easy to be lazy?

Pedaling said...

just found your blog today - it's great -
don't worry about the lesson - that usually only happens once because, if your like me, you won't let it happen again.
live and learn.

Gretchen said...

dude - who among us hasn't tanked a lesson due to non-preparation? I've got several notches in that lipstick case. It certainly makes one want to do better the next time.

But in my experience growing up is easier said than done. Despite my best efforts to relinquish childish things, I find that I am fiercely fighting to stay young - or at least young at heart. I suspect that if I ever get married I'll really have to take myself to task about this growing up business. But when it is just you ... it's easy to act like you're 22 forever.

And then before you know it, all of your college friends are married with mortgages and 5 kids, and you're like - uh ... anyone want to go dancing this friday? And that's when you feel like a loser who hasn't done anything with their life. ;-) So the point is ... you might be growing up even if you do bomb a lesson or two. At least your family is fed and taken care of! That sounds pretty grown up to me.

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