Today’s Hot Topic comes from a reader who hoped to draw upon the amazing mom-power that turns out for this weekly spectacle to help resolve an issue that is causing some tension in her household. (I guess it’s not revealing to say that her husband is a little clueless about the whole thing as that may or may not apply to a large percentage of us.)
Her dilemma is simple: She loves being a mom, but sometimes she needs a break. No, this isn’t SAHM v. WOHM II. She doesn’t want a job. She doesn’t want a new life. She doesn’t even want a vacation – actually, she probably wants one because who doesn’t?
She just needs some TME (Time for Me).This is where I wax poetic about the virtues of solitary time and healing properties of occasional pampering. Where I talk about how I’ve perfected the balance of motherhood and womanhood. Where I go on and on about how I know everything and --
I know nothing. I totally have this same problem. As you may be aware, I have a mom crush on Miss Dub, but I still get physically fatigued and mentally exhausted from being a mother – and sometimes I just get bored. I want a break, I crave a break, I dream of a break … but I don’t often give myself a break for umpteen reasons.
A lot of the time it’s sheer laziness – the hassle of getting a babysitter and then coming up with something worth the cash and effort. Other times I feel too guilty to ask Mr. Dub to watch our little one after a long day or week of work. But most of the time, I don’t go because even when I’m away, I’m not taking a break.
If we see a movie, I check my phone to see if the babysitter has called. I’m eager for dinner to be done so I can get back and make sure that she ate enough herself. I wonder if she’s getting the specific treatment she prefers. And I just plain miss her … until we get home and see she’s fine, at which point I want to run back to the restaurant and order dessert and a (non-alcoholic) nightcap.
This reader feels the same or worse, as she’s got two kids to worry about while away. But she wants, nay, NEEDS, a few hours to herself or as a couple every now and then.
So, oh wise ones, what say ye?
How do you like to escape and enjoy yourself?
Where do you go?
What do you do … or wish you could do?
And how do you truly enjoy yourselves?
Help!
27 comments:
How about finding a mom friend to share babies with? You drop yours off one day for a few hours, then return the favor later that week. Baby gets a playdate and mommy gets the time off for free!
I need TME. I desire it. I tried to get away to the library last night for 30 minutes. I got four phone calls, was harassed by library staff, nearly ran over students on the way to and fro, came home to a husband who couldn't deal with crying baby, and a pile of salt in the living room. For the love! 30 minutes! I guess it was all too much to ask.
I like going out with my friends, to a movie or to eat. I'll go to the bookstore, the library, the fabric store--Target! Lately, though, I haven't been able to get away. So I've been stealing time from sleep and enjoying quiet late night evenings by myself. I need it to be a better mom.
I wouldn't feel bad about leaving Miss. Dub with Mr. Dub. He could probably use a couple hours a month of bonding time alone with her.
I DO miss the babies when I leave, that's part of why it's good to spend time alone: reuniting is that much sweeter.
I could go on for days, what I've tried, what works, so I will tell you what I do now. I have 3 kids, including a 5 month old (today!). For the summer I have been road biking 3 mornings a week from 6:30-8:15 with a friend. We talk about everything under the sun and I get some exercise in. I try to get up the other mornings,but if not, oh well. I need this break, and the exercise. I usually get a babysitter on a regular basis T, & Th for a few hours, if you can swing that it is great. I think book clubs, enrichment nights,, dinner groups can be so great for a break. I've done the monthly facial/spa day thing, but would rather spend those 2 hours in the peace of the temple. If you have a lack of babysitters, do as MB said and organize a babysitting co-op, where you trade kids.
yes mb, my mum used to do this. Our neighbours also had 4 kids so once a week there would be 8 at our house, or eight next door and it give each mum some quiet time. (Mind you this was when we were kids, not babies)... they even had an arrangement for a few years when we stayed with the neighbours when our parents went on holiday for a week and vice versa!
can i just say that i have really been enjoying the pictures of miss dub lately? so darling.
my me time (i hate that phrase) is at the gym. i go three mornings a week for an hour. they have a child watch place that my kids don't love, but they have fun anyway. and i get to walk on the treadmill and have my thoughts all to myself. it is nice.
I need this HTT too! I am no good at getting away. I finally have started biking in the mornings while DH gets ready for work and plays with the kids. But that is about the extent of my ME time. Can't wait for the responses....
Growing up we had "play in room time", which was the hour after lunch. I assume this was originally nap time, which when we got older my mom re-named. I grew up thinking that EVERY kid had "play in room time"... that is until the day i saw Nina Torelli skipping down the street. I remember sticking my head out the window and yelling "How did you get out???" That's when i learned that "PNR time" was a TME invention. My mother told me later that this was her time to "fold laundry, hear myself think, cry and eat ice cream right out of the box" Not necessarily at the same time.
I do the gym thing as well 3 times a week. Liam loves the other mom's who watch him in the daycare and I love them for being so sweet to my boy. I also go out every Thursday night to do genealogy with my neighbor for 3 hours. It is a hobby that is completely rewarding and it feels wonderful to have something to look forward to every week.
In college I took a class called Fatherneed (there is a book under the same title) that talks about the need for children to spend time with their dad uninterrupted by mom. Since we all know mom and dads do things differently, although not necessarily better just different. That difference helps children to grow in ways they otherwise would not if their time is always spent with mom.
I think of that book when I leave for genealogy knowing that Liam needs time with his dad just as much as he does with his mom.
I do the gym thing as well 3 times a week. Liam loves the other mom's who watch him in the daycare and I love them for being so sweet to my boy. I also go out every Thursday night to do genealogy with my neighbor for 3 hours. It is a hobby that is completely rewarding and it feels wonderful to have something to look forward to every week.
In college I took a class called Fatherneed (there is a book under the same title) that talks about the need for children to spend time with their dad uninterrupted by mom. Since we all know mom and dads do things differently, although not necessarily better just different. That difference helps children to grow in ways they otherwise would not if their time is always spent with mom.
I think of that book when I leave for genealogy knowing that Liam needs time with his dad just as much as he does with his mom.
i think it should be a state mandated law that all mothers take a break once in a while. think about a working person. they at least get to go to lunch and take an hour off each day to eat and think. as mothers, even when we are sleeping our minds are still listening for the possible crying baby / kid. we all have to ban together and start a revoultion erasing all self imposed guilt.
i really like going to the gym to release endorphins and listen to some tunes. going out with a few friends can usually invigorate me to be a better mother and wife immediately. we would hate to all of the sudden go koo koo because we weren't taking good care of our emotional and mental state as well. how could we be good mothers locked up in a rehab. just ask ms. spears.
Sorry for the double entry...I really don't have THAT much to say...
Sorry Laura, I know you didn't want this to be SAHM II, but I was on vacation last week and just had a chance to read the SAHM HTT post and wanted a chance to say something (you know it's a really hot topic when people are still commenting a week later).
Because I was probably the last person to read last week's post, I got to read all the blunt responses and the last comment literally sent me to tears (go back and read it). Why the opinion of strangers was so hurtfulto me, I don't understand. But what I want to know is when any of us became so perfect that we earned the right to judge each other, making broad definitions of "what's right" for millions of unique women based on our own experiences and context. Especially when it's apparent that most of the black and white came from a religion that the vast majority of the world does not subscribe to.
I am a working mom, by choice, who will NEVER judge a woman for staying at home with their children. I award each woman and ultimately each family the right to decide what's best for them. But I refuse to let other women, my intimate sisterhood, condemn me for making a different choice. Weren't we raised believing we could be whatever we wanted when we grew up? Why has that changed just because I became a mother?
I'm sick of the so-called mommy wars, pitting SAHM versus working, this mom vs. that. When did it become a battle? Aren't we all on the same team, just moms doing what we feel is best for our kids? Don't we all want the same thing -- beautiful, honest and happy children who grow up to be intelligent, loving and successful adults?
Whatever your reason for working, necessity or choice, and whatever your reason for staying at home, commandment, choice or dream job, it doesn't matter. Our children are all facing the same temptations, challenges, problems. We are all women, all moms, who want what is best for our children and we are doing the best that we can and know how.
PS, I've mentioned this before: It's easier to type hurtful words than to say them to someone's face, but it NEVER makes it okay. And for someone who's so critical to judge working mothers, you should think about the awful example you're setting for your children on being rude, judgemental and critical. Is it the same religion that teaches you to be a SAHM that is teaching you to berate other women? Impressive.
I am all about TME. I have had the same babysitter come a couple times a week (including one weekend night) for 8 years! The kids love her and it gives me a little break- but when I am away- I have me cell phone close at hand for any concerns (this is my security- thank goodness for cellphones!)
But I try not to get to caught up in me time and figure to everything there is a season. Yes- I have this babysitter- but I don't like to leave her for more than two to three hours (it's hard enough for me to be with my boys for that long) and frankly- they need me.
I am really trying to enjoy this time when my kids want to be around me so much- because I know (sooner than I think) that they would rather be with their friends (boo hoo!) So my point is- yeah for TME- but there are definitely limits... and I have learned that signing up to volunteer all over the place (schools, church, etc.) Doesn't really give you TME it just stresses me out more and makes me a grouchy mom. (I have done it- and I have learned to say...NO!)
Also- leaving the kids with Dad is a must. Luckily- I really have a wonderful dh who takes the kids on outings and is willing to stay with them a lot! And going along with the dh thing- We think that it is important to go out (alone) at least once a week- this is something we have done since the beginning of parenthood.
I most enjoy my time spent at Target or the mall. And I need it at least once a week. And sometimes, I end up taking one child with me because it still feels like a break when I only have 1 kid instead of 5!
I go to the gym too (well, I haven't this summer because I don't want to pay for 3 kids in the kid center, but I'll start up again once school starts!)
I get a good book, put the kids to bed early and read, read, read to my hearts content.
I switch off childcare with a friend once or twice a month...everyone wins.
My husband takes the kids swimming a lot in the evenings or does something fun with them Saturday mornings so I can just have a clear thought in my brain for 5 seconds without the usual "joyful" noise.
I also stay up late on Friday night. My husband and I both need lots of "down" time to rejuvenate. So, we stay up late on Fridays doing our own things...him playing on the computer/reading and me watching a movie and enjoying a snack, etc. (We do go out together too. We recently found a really good/fairly priced sitter, so we get in lots of "date nights" too!)
One thing I like to do for some TME, is to take a community ed. class every once in a while. It gives me a short break, and it keeps me from feeling "brain dead." The classes around here are afordable; most are and hour or two one night a week for around 6 weeks. DH is great, and watches the kids. Once in a while, he'll take a class when I haven't found one I want to take. I think it's healthy for both parents to get some "me" time once in a while. :)
my entire days are planned, now, around me and my girl doing things together, only because of our recent loss. before, i wanted her to just stay in her own area and i'd stay in mine.
i guess all i want now is distraction so ME time is either reading a book, watching a movie, or playing with my girl.
thinking is out of the question unless a therapist demands it, which i have to do today, consequently. wish me luck.
i just realized that comment was no help what so ever. sorry.
The way that I overcame the guilt was one day when it had been a VERY long time since TME and I found myself daydreaming about running away. I felt like such an awful mom! Of course, I just needed a break. "Me time" tends to have a selfish connotation, but in reality, it is just a matter of recharging so you can keep giving and giving and giving...Now I know to let myself have that time, even if it is just at night - when the kids are asleep and hubby's watching Sports Center (he sometimes needs time alone too) - to do personal grooming (take a bath, mani-pedi, teeth whitening, eyebrow tweezing, etc.) It also gives me time to ponder how the funny thing about being a mom is that you wish so much that SOMEONE else could do your job sometimes (like those middle of the night feedings) but ultimately, you don't want ANYONE else to do your job! BTW, I loved the comment about "play in room time"! So funny!
When my twins were born (3rd & 4th kids) I started having a teenager come over once or twice a week to watch the kids & do a little bit of cleaning up while I ran errands. It was a little expensive but was the best idea ever. I kept that up until the twins were 2 1/2 or so. Now I have a couple hours a week when they're all in school I can run errands by myself; I don't take any other "special" time other than that. Unless you mean like blogging while the kids are upstairs playing with Lincoln Logs (right now). I still feel guilty at times if I ask Hubs to watch them while I go somewhere, so I hardly ever do that, even though he's usually willing. But Dr. Phil always says (or used to say, on his first season when I used to watch it) that you need to do a little pampering & TME from time to time in order to be at full-strength for your family the rest of the time, so you owe it to them to give that to yourself.
Sorry if this is a complete repeat of anyone else's comment; I only skimmed through them. And yeah, I know I'm a huge nerd with all the tags...
Oh also, me & Hubs have decided to try to take a nice trip together once every five years. Even just a weekend away together is really great & rejuvenating for your marriage and makes you feel like a grown-up (when you're not wiping noses & bums & talking baby talk all day!) I have several friends who take 4-day cruises together with their other mom friends, leaving the kids home with the husbands. I don't really understand that; I couldn't do it.
Lots of good ideas -- I really like the play in room time someone mentioned. I've tried lots of different things, and this gets so much easier when you have some kids in school. I'm to a point now (four kids and one on the way) that even taking one kid with me feels like me-time because it's so much easier than four.
The hardest part, as you mentioned, is not spending all of your time worrying about the kids while you're gone. I think that gets easier too, as they get older, and as you get more practiced at leaving them. It helps to leave them with someone you 100% trust, which for me means my mother-in-law or my husband, certain babysitters or specific mom-friends. I can almost forget about my children for a little while if they're with someone I trust. A 12 year-old works fine in a pinch, but I definitely worry more.
This TME thing should never be considered a luxury -- it is a necessity for every mom. You just have to be creative, and plan ahead, and make it happen.
"Not a luxury- a necessity." I love it!
It really helped the day that I realized I could be selfish and think of myself for a few hours every so often. Most of our day as mothers is spent thinking of the kiddies or DH so to actually think of yourself for once is nothing to feel guilty about!
BTW- I would LOVE to meet the Mom that came up with "play in room time." Smart woman!
I don't have kids so I can't comment... but I was wondering what DH stands for? I've seen it in sooo many posts and kind of get lost... or better yet, just make my own assumption. But it would be nice to know what it means :P
DH=darling husband.
You realize that the people with four or more children are laughing at you... seriously though, the co-op with other moms works very well as well as a quiet time everyday. Quiet time can be nap right after lunch which morphs into book reading time for kids no longer napping. Putting them in a portacrib or playpen gives them a sense of cozyness and you don't have to worry about what they are getting into. The "not being able to relax" thing doesn't go away until they go off to college.
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