Cough - Fever = Alive

I’d like to dispel a vicious rumor that is circulating out there.

I should know. I started it.

A couple weeks ago I contracted some sort of illness that can only be described as, “the Death Cough.” A hack so deep, intense and suffocatingly phlegm-y that even strangers winced every time I coughed. And cough I did – all day long! Throw in a few sneeze attacks, extreme fatigue and poor makeup application and you can envision my recent state.

The illness had me so ravaged that Mr. Dub began to fret about my possible demise. But I refused to see the doctor under this premise: No one has ever died from a cough without getting a fever first. And while the symptoms of the Death Cough are extensive and painful, a fever is not one of them.

So I continued my blissful ignorance and told myself it was my attitude that was keeping me coughing, not a lack of medicine. But I just kept coughing more and more. But no fever, so no doctor. After all, no one has ever died from an cough without getting a fever first, right?

This saying began to bother Mr. Dub. He insisted that someone in history had died from a cough without having a fever first and that I was sure to be the next one. He was confident I was dying, and, to be honest, I had to agree with him. But since I had no fever, I just couldn’t bring myself to go to the doctor.

It turned into a family debate. A toe-may-toe, toe-mah-toe sort of tiff. But I assured Mr. Dub that if he was indeed right, he could save many people through my death by implementing a public service campaign entitled, “No Fever Means Nothing.” So I wouldn’t have died in vain, just stubbornness.

But even I back down sometimes. Especially after a horrible night of rest where I felt like my chest might actually cave in.

When I got to the doctor, she asked how I’d been feeling. “Not too hot,” I admitted, but fearing I might sound like a paranoid hypochondriac, I added, “But I don’t have a fever or anything.”

As she examined me (with Miss Dub on my lap), I broke into a cough attack.

The doctor gave me one look and said, “You need some antibiotics now! This is a serious infection.”

To which I added, “Well, I figured no one has ever died from a cough without getting a fever first.”

“Yes they have,” she said.

And like that, my well-crafted rumor went from urban legend to malarkey. And my street cred with Mr. Dub plummeted.

But what’s the worst illness you’ve ever had?

Because this isn’t even close to my bag of weird, obscure illnesses I’ve contracted over the years. Valley Fever in sixth grade probably takes the cake. It’s a fungus that grows in your lung and leads to severe pneumonia in rare cases, like mine, and sometimes death. Ouch!

I might add it’s accompanied by a fever. So there.