musings and misadventures: HTT

7.24.2007

HTT - Gender edition

There are a lot of Hot Topics that you don’t know about until you become a mom, but some start before baby is even born.

Like, finding out the gender of your unborn child.

Why this topic is on my unpregnant mind I don’t know, but it may have something to do with a few friends who recently discovered they are having girls in November. (Seriously, are there seasonal patterns to gender? Because Miss Dub was the fifth girl in two months to be born into our church congregation last fall.)

It also might have to do with the fact that a sleeptastic Miss Dub is making me baby hungry. That and I’ve recently taken to looking at her newborn photos, which I highly advise against unless you want to throw your birth control out the window and/or sob for how fast your little one has grown.

But I digress. What’s new?

When I was pregnant with Miss Dub, it didn’t even cross my mind to keep her gender a secret until she was born. I mean, why wouldn’t I want to know? Why wouldn’t I want to prepare for a boy or girl as needed? Why wouldn’t I want to break up my daily vomiting sprees with a little information so I could say, “She is making me throw up insane amounts,” instead of, “It is giving me an aversion to Asian cuisine.”

So when people first started to ask me if I was going to find out our baby’s gender, I innocently responded, “Yes,” only to have some stranger unleash a can of beat down on me for being so weak.

The most common reason to not find out, apparently, is that it gives you something to look forward to in labor. I don’t get this one. I mean, it’s not like you can avoid labor no matter how much you aren’t looking forward to it. And isn’t seeing your baby a pretty good motivator to push through it? (Pun sadly intended.)

Plus there are other good reasons to find out – it helps you prepare not only physically for baby but mentally, as well. Because I was totally convinced I was having a boy until we found out Miss Dub was a little girl. Though I was initially shocked – and others have certainly been disappointed, which I don’t get – I felt like she’d always been my little girl by the time she was born. And shopping for cute dresses didn’t suck.

However, I do respect your decision to not find out. I admire you. I can’t even wait for the popcorn to finish popping most nights, and we all know I can’t wait for paint to dry. So the idea that your doctor knows a really important secret for five months that you don’t would be too much for me.

And I do understand not finding out when you have children of both genders. That way, you have all the appropriate clothing and gear to meet his or her needs. But, honestly, I would still be too curious to wait. And I don’t think that makes me weak. And I don’t think it’s cheating.

But what about you?

Did you find out the gender of your unborn child(ren)? Do you plan to next time?

And for our adoptive moms, would you consider requesting a specific sex for your child, or is that cheating?

We sooo need to be schooled in these things.

29 comments:

hilari said...: just wanted to say that i have the first comment. booo yaaahh. um yeah, you gotta find out. it is the perfect "pick me up" half way through the pregnancy. for all those kooks that say, "we are really hoping for a boy" or "we really only want a girl." you a bunch of crazies, because p.s. you don't get to pick. at least in the conventional way.; 7:56 AM
NG said...: I've never quite understood the reasons for waiting to be surprised. I was surprised when I found out.; 8:03 AM
Rachie said...: I agree with the others...you have to find out. I really don't see any other option.; 8:16 AM
MB said...: We could NOT wait. Didn't really see the point anyway!; 8:37 AM
Leslie said...: i left my third baby's gender for a surprise (i had one of each already and didn't need to buy anything, in fact it saved me a ton of $$ not knowing what it was). It was really fun not finding out at 20 weeks, even though we were both convinced it was a boy the whole time. It was a boy, and I'll always remember the moment when my husband told me "It's a boy!" in a very excited, very cute and endearing voice during my c-section. it made for extremely fun phone calls in the hours after miles arrived, too! the thing i came to realize is that it completely doesn't matter what gender the baby is, at least not to me. i didn't need to mentally prepare for anything except the fact that i was about to have three kids. of course, in all honesty, i couldn't have done it with the first two, so i completely understand why everyone finds out. like my friend natalie says, "there are too few good surprises in life," and that moment is one I'll never ever forget.
that's why i did it.; 8:40 AM
Leisha Mareth said...: I laughed about your comment on gender seasons. When we adopted our daughter...everywhere we went (church, gymboree classes, Target...) there were women due in September with GIRLS. It became insane! 3 of my good friends had daughters within 2 weeks of my daughter..even my next door neighbor's daughter is 3 days older than mine. Then, suddenly, it was all about boys? Weird.

As for requesting genders for adoption, I consider it "cheating". However, if you are unable to birth a child, then I think there should be some perks involved and I don't hold anything against those who do want a specific gender. I KNEW we were getting a boy the first time around. I wanted a boy the 2nd time around but delightfully got the sweetest girl in the land! Thank heavens!

(However, I do hold something against those who want to adopt "special order" babies...you know, requesting certain genetic qualities and specifications "red hair, blue eyes and no allergies" are you kidding me? But I guess that is an entirely different hot topic.); 8:48 AM
janaya said...: sorry about the length!

for some reason, in canada it's very common practice to not find out the sex of your baby. i believe (and someone can correct me if i'm wrong) that it used to be illegal to find out in canada, because some of the immigrants from countries where you could only have one child, would abort their female babies (sick, but apparently very real). so, i think overtime it just became a cultural thing to wait. i, too, was shocked when i went home and found that the majority of my friends were waiting to find out what they were having. some made it to the delivery room, and other's cracked under the pressure of the secret. my friends who have waited have loved the surprise and swear by the waiting. perhaps i'll send this post to a few of them and have them chime in on the reasons why.

i, myself, have absolutely no willpower when it comes to a secret... i MUST know. finding christmas presents naively stashed under the bed or in the back of the closet (and progressively more complex places) throughout my childhood, was a MUST. so, waiting on the baby gender is not even an option for me.

as for the wanting a boy/girl issue... the disappointment is one thing that is very real for some people. i have no children yet, so it's purely been observation, but there are some girls who are so girlie that they can't imagine having a dirty, smelly boy... and some girls who prefer the rough and tumble boys to the high-pitched screaming and whining little girls. but anyone i have known who has gone through the initial disappointment is quickly over it once it sinks in. although hard for some to understand, i think these feelings are very real and we have to be careful not to assume that having those initial thoughts makes these people bad parents... 'cause that's just not true. (clarification: i don't think that's what you're saying... but i'm like the 4th person to comment... so who knows where it will go from here) :); 8:49 AM
Rachel said...: I am all over finding out. Did it with our first 2 and will do it from here on out.

That said, my sister K* just waited and I'll admit, it was pretty cool. I was freaked out her whole pregnancy because she had 3 boys, but choose to wait. But it was the sweetest phone call to get from my other sister A* (who has c-sections so K invited her to see the birth), crying her eyes out that it was in fact a GIRL. Very exciting!; 9:06 AM
liz said...: We have always wanted to know. Our first baby (ten years ago), we had a doctor whose antiquated ultrasound machine just could not come up with a clear picture of the important area, so we were surprised. We were sure he was a girl. It was fine that he was a boy, but he sure had to wear a lot of ugly yellow and green sleepers people had given us ahead of time.

My sister always knows what she's having even before the all-important ultrasound. She's psychic I guess, or just more spiritually in-tune than I am. She has five kids and has been right every time.; 9:06 AM
stephanie said...: i have a girl and a boy and am 23 weeks pregnant with another girl. even though i already had one of each, i was dying to find out what my third will be! i do it purely for decorating reasons (and naming reasons and just plain fun). i think it is a really nice surprise half way through the loooong 9 months.; 9:10 AM
Anonymous said...: Wow! You have become so popular, Mrs. Dub. It is 7:30am where I live and already this many comments! Hilari, why were you up so early? :)

I found out with all three of my girls, even though the first two had their legs tightly closed at the 20 week ultrasound and I had to have another one 6 weeks later. With my second daughter, my insurance would only pay for one ultrasound. Because her gender wasn't revealed the first time, I was totally fine paying the $150 for the 2nd ultrasound. The nurses repeated multiple times, "Now you know this isn't covered by your insurance, right?" "You know that you don't NEED this ultrasound?" They thought I was crazy, but it was worth it to me.; 9:37 AM
Michelle said...: I think it would be fun (as fun as it could be) to wait to find out once we've had one of each, like you said. But then again I can't stand to not know about a surprise if I know it's coming. So we'll see how it goes down the road.

As far as certain genders at certain times, someone told us to look at the Chinese calendar, and it ended up being true for us! Google "Chinese gender calendar". Even though we didn't bet money on its prediction, it was still fun to look at.; 9:43 AM
Natalie said...: Sorry ahead of time for the length -

I guess I'm in the severe minority here, but we don't find out what our babies are before they are born. I understand why y'all do what you do - taking advantage of technology and finding out as soon as possible is a reflection of our times. But before we even got pregnant, Jay and I decided we wouldn't find out - and we've stuck it out for two kiddos so far.

As Leslie quoted me, we believe that there are so very few WONDERFUL surprises in life, that we will take them when ever we can. YA, it's super tempting when they ask you if you want to know at 20 weeks, but you get over it - after all, bazillions of women have done it (and continue to do it) throughout world and it's history - why can't I? (lest you think that that idea stems over into natural childbirth, think again - when it comes to pain, I'll take all the advances of living in the 21st century, thank you!) but I digress...

As Leslie said, there are very few amazing moments in life that can even be compared to the birth of children. When you add to that incredible excitement, the thrill of hearing, from your husband's excited and tender voice "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" - gosh - there's just nothing like it. And then there you are, holding that little one, who's gender was a complete surprise up until a moment before. It's amazing. And it does make for very fun phone calls in recovery, too!

Plus the entire birthing team is just as excited as you are - when my son Jayden was born, the entire staff of nurses said they weren't leaving until the kid was born - the excitement was too much, since so few people wait now days. They all got so into it - it was really sweet.

I also agree with what Leslie said about it saving you money - living on graduate student budgets doesn't really afford you the opportunity to decorate a beautiful nursery for your little one, so I didn't have that pressuring me.

Everyone keeps mentioning that you'll be unprepared - that one's easy. I packed two gallon-sized ziplock bags - one filled with all things pink and the other, blue. When my husband returned home for a shower, he picked up the correct bag. That way baby is all color coordinated for "going home" photos, and you're only out minimal funds for the three-pack of onsies you didn't use. Then, all the fun shopping comes into play when baby is there, your mom is there to help and you need a break from the house. It's also great for baby showers - wait until after baby comes, you get to pass the little one around and have a party thrown for you after the event, when I felt like I could really use one.

I had a friend get quite emotionally charged as to why in the world I would wait. She mentioned that when her second baby was a boy, it took her months to get used to the idea. My response was this: if you hadn't found out, it wouldn't be such a big deal. Your husband would have announced it was another boy and it wouldn't have mattered because in that same breath, he'd had you that little angel and you'd realize that a healthy baby, no matter the gender, is the greatest blessing ever. Instead, you grumped for weeks/months over the fact that you wanted a girl instead.

I understand why y'all find out and I love it, because it makes my shopping and baby gift making a lot easier. But as for me and mine, we'll take all our excitement at once - it's the BEST!; 9:46 AM
Cichelli said...: First and most importantly, happy pioneer day!

I found out with both of my boys and was disappointed both times. I really wanted girls. I was raised as a stereotypical girl (you know, screaming and ducking during dodge ball. and volleyball. and kickball. and any other sport)and had no idea what I was going to do with boys. Now I love, love, love my boys. I'd really like to have three, and I will be heartbroken if it's another boy because I'd like to have at least one girl but I don't want more than three kids. So we've talked about adopting to ensure our third is a girl, but you're right, that does seem like cheating.

My older sister, however, has been surprised with both of her kids. She remembers when my mom was pregnant and couldn't find out and waiting for that fun phone call when mom or dad called home to the sitter to tell us "It's a girl!" or "It's a boy!" and she wanted that experience. Although it sucked buying her baby things because they were all yellow and green, which led to a lot of gender confusion for the first three months of baby's life. She loves the surprise. I can't stand the anticipation.

I don't think there's a right or wrong this HTT around. I think it's what you want.

ps My 18 mos old Tyler (and your future son in law?) just STOPPED sleeping through the night. Did you steal our sleep? I took all his binkies away from him and now we're training him how to fall asleep all over again. I'm telling you, sleeping through the night is a myth. Just when you're used to it, something will interrupt it. So if she's falling asleep now with a binky, you can look forward to teaching her all over again when you take them away. yuck.; 10:38 AM
sara said...: I had a boy & then a girl, having found out both ahead of time, so I decided I wanted the 3rd to be a surprise. I wanted to guess based on my pregnancy symptoms. Turns out #3 was twins, so my symptoms were much worse regardless of sex. So I had to find out their genders, especially having had two ultrasounds a week for the last 2.5 months of my pregnancy (doc was worried about them for a while). I currently have a sis-in-law preg with her first; they've decided not to find out & everyone's giving them a hard time about it, but I think it's kinda fun that they won't know.; 10:56 AM
sara said...: Plus, having twins, it's hard to come up with enough names you agree on when knowing what gender they are; I can't imagine having had to agree on two boys names and two girl names, plus all the middle names, ahead of time! So although I'd wanted #3 to be a surprise like Leslie, I don't regret finding out ahead of time considering the twins issue. (They turned out to be both girls.); 11:00 AM
Josie said...: it's just as much of a surprise at the ultrasound as it is at birth. a surprise is a surprise, so why not be surprised early so you can buy lots of gender appropriate teeny tiny clothes?; 11:08 AM
acte gratuit said...: I had a friend in S.F. who wouldn't find out with either of her kids. She said she wanted to be surprised. (I say be surprised at 20 weeks and be prepared at 40 weeks.)

She also said she didn't want to be inundated with pink and blue. (She's a bit of a feminist.) So she was happy that her shower gifts were gender neutral. So that was her reasoning for not finding out.

I personally want to know as soon as possible. I'm not ashamed to say I want a daughter. Finding out Gabe was a boy (my third)allowed me to have my day of self pity at not getting a girl, get over it, and get used to the idea of having all boys. By the time he was born, I was only happy and excited. There wasn't a moment of disappointment when I met him. Had I been hoping and dreaming for a girl all those months only to be handed a boy I may have had a few minutes of sadness, and no baby deserves that right out of the womb.

Now, if I already had a boy and a girl, and therefore all the stuff so I was prepared either way, it might be fun to be surprised...?; 11:23 AM
Colleen said...: I am far too impatient to wait any longer than 20 weeks for such vital information. I love technology!; 2:31 PM
kristenita said...: amen sista.

I wanted to find out. I was so excited to stop calling HE an IT and start calling IT/THEBABY a HE!
and I didn't want to get my heart set on one only for a surprise finish on D-day. (though it could still be a surprise if your ultrasound tech had a bad day I guess...)
I think like stephanie I will be "dying to know" every time. it just makes THE BABY seem more real to know what IT is. for me anyway. ALL SO VERY EXCITING.; 2:55 PM
Jenny said...: we have four kids and waited to find out who was coming until they were born. i loved it. i love the anticipation, and really love the discovery at the birth. so cool. i agree w/ leslie and natalie that it makes for an amazing, memorable moment.

it's great when people DO find out what they're having. i like knowing ahead of time; like someone else mentioned, it's easier to shop for baby gifts. :)

the preparation for me is a non-issue. we have a lot of gender neutral newborn clothing, so we're good. i have a white bassinet, and i like classic pooh, so all of that will work for a boy or girl.

after my 3rd boy was born, i thought i'd want to find out if the 4th was a girl or boy, but decided it didn't matter, and it was more fun for me to wait to find out. (we had a girl) it's really hard on our kids' grandparents, aunts, and uncles, (they always really want us to find out) but i'm the one having the baby, right? and i like to wait. :); 4:12 PM
Anonymous said...: I'm totally with Natalie on this. Being surprised is so, so great. It generated really fun conversations while I was pregnant; I enjoyed tallying up the predictions for our baby's gender. And then there is nothing like it in the delivery room. Right before our son was born the nurse said to me, "I can see her head and she has lots of dark hair", and then 2 minutes later, "It's a boy!" Gives me goose bumps to think about it. . .; 4:24 PM
Anonymous said...: I found out with my first and decided not to with my second. It made the "announcement phone call" so fun. It wasn't "she's here," it was "it's a girl!"
I have a hard time saying one way or the other is better because it's either a surprise at 20 weeks or at 40- either way it's going to be exciting!; 5:26 PM
Mrs. Dub said...: amen. it sounds like both ways have their perks with a fun surprise any way you look at it. i'm just too impatient to wait myself.

but no matter what it's your decision. and strangers (or friends) shouldn't be telling you to do it differently.

finally, a hot topic we can all agree to disagree on!; 5:31 PM
Kate said...: I have four children and we didn't find out on our first and fourth. The best thing about not finding out on our first is when I had my showers - people didn't know what to give me- so I got all the big stuff... stroller, car seat, jogger, etc... etc... I seriously didn't have to buy one thing except diapers... and some clothes when he came along... and it was seriously the best and kept me pushing for 2.5 hours when the doctor announced.. It's a boy!!! and I looked over and my husband was crying he was soooo... excited... then I proceeded to find out with two and three (both boys) well needless to say-I promised my husband on the fourth we wouldn't find out- and we didn't and it was great to see all the reactions we got... from people young ("That is just plain weird you are not finding out!" to "How are you going to get the room ready?")to old (I got hugs and cheers from all kinds of old people...) And to finally have the ultimate suprise of "It's a GIRL!!!" I cannot even describe the feeling of Joy! She is five months old, she has a pink bedroom that is full of girl clothes, toys, etc... and I still pinch myself when I look at her... I feel like she was keeping a secret from me all along!; 5:34 PM
Carina said...: 1. I don't like surprises

2. I want control over the situation (shocker!)

I've always maintained that I want to know before hand. However, now that I'm thinking about number three, maybe I don't want to know. It doesn't matter to me what we have next. We have two boys and I would be just as happy having another boy as a girl. Maybe it would stave off those lovely comments, "Oh, it's another boy? Are you sad because you wanted a girl?"

Pinheads.; 6:17 PM
Ashby said...: I've always admired those who have been able to wait the whole 40 weeks. I've often wondered if I could do it myself.....but my sweet husband (who is too impatient) likes to find out at 20 weeks, which is fine with me. So we have found out with both girls.

On my first, I too was convinced it was a boy. So it was a bit of a shock/surprise when we realized *SHE* was a girl!

On our second the tech couldn't tell, but said he "thought" it was a girl. We went for another ultrasound and the next tech said the same thing. It wasn't until an ultrasound at 36 weeks did we know for certain it was definitely a girl. That was more frustrating than anything....assuming it was one, but worrying I wouldn't be prepared for the other.

To each their own. But for us, it's 20 weeks or bust!; 7:32 PM
Carina said...: A quick note to add a speck of controversy, I was terrified of not being able to find out the gender at my first ultrasound. I took pains to make it a productive meeting. One hour beforehand I drank a can of Diet Coke. 30 minutes before I had a roll of chewy Spree and a Twix bar. There was no way I was going to go into my one shot with a baby who wasn't active enough to show its gender.

My mom was horrified.

I didn't spike with my second baby, I trusted that he would move around on his own. When we went under the wand, baby wasn't moving. I joked with my mom about how the last time I'd had a coke and sugar. Her eyes got wide and she said, "Why didn't you!? It's not too late!"

Yeah, control issues.; 2:35 AM
janaya said...: wait! no diet coke and twix bars when you're pregnant?! i'm going to die!!

jk... i guess i knew that.

but seriously... i'm going to die.; 11:15 AM