With a face like this, who wouldn't want more?
I’m sooo baby hungry right now.
But let me clarify, I was sooo baby hungry when I was 12 and daydreaming of odd scenarios where a baby would land on my doorstep, and I would raise it as my own.
I was sooo baby hungry about two days after birthing Miss Dub.
I was sooo baby hungry last month.
The fact is, I’ve got a big baby appetite, but is my stomach big enough for them all?
Family planning – it’s a HOT TOPIC because there are lots and lots of opinions on this matter.
Most Mormons, me included, don’t really believe in family planning to the extent that inspiration trumps all plans. If a feeling overtakes you to bring another child into your home, you do it even if you planned to wait. And if a feeling tells you to wait a while, you do it even if you planned to try for another.
But sometimes – let’s be honest, most times – there are no burning feelings. Over time, it just feels right to give it another go. Or your aversion to burgeoning bumps and cankles begins to ease. Your fear of two sets of diapers, two carseats and two cranky babies begins to lessen.
It still seems crazy, but not insane.
And when I really, really think long and hard about having another one right now – which would put them a whoppin’ 18 months apart – it still seems a little insane. So we’re waiting.
If I was really into family planning, I would take into consideration the following: We only have two bedrooms. Miss Dub is still a terrible sleeper. I just lost all this weight and would gain some of it back. I just bought a new wardrobe and would have to shelve it in favor of elastic-banded pants. I’m easily stressed and babies are stressful. I get zits when I’m first pregnant - and I hate zits.
But really those things don’t matter.
What does matter, however, is my sanity. And I think that is a huge factor when planning a family, and when receiving inspiration. I don’t think we’re ever asked to do something that is bad for us. I don’t think we’re ever asked to do something we can’t handle. I do think we’re pushed and tested at times, but I don’t think you need three kids under the age of 3 to feel stretched as a mother.
So people who don’t believe in any planning/prevention boggle my mind. Maybe they’re just constantly prepared for another mouth to feed, another derriere to diaper, another year without sleep, another college education to pay. Or maybe some of them think they’ll get extra credit celestial points for being open for baby bizness all the time, which may be true but may also be haughty depending on the situation.
So how did you “plan” your family? And did all go according to schedule?
And, inspiration aside, what do you think is the ideal spacing between children?
What are the pros and cons of having kids close together or farther apart?
And did you know that I have a “sister” who is due any moment with her fifth child? And that she’s planned them for the most part? And that she’s still totally sane and in control of the chaos?
Yeah, she’s my hero.
Maybe I should have another one …
20 comments:
Oh, good hot topic mrs dub! for me, we tried once (way too early on, looking back) and miscarried,the next year had a baby, two years later had another one and then I said, WHOA! let's take a break. my hubby was ok with just 2, but i always wanted four. we went for three after a longer break (the best thing ever. three point five years is good spacing, at least for numbers 2 & 3). i always say that parker (#2) wouldn't be the same loving, easy-going kid if he had had to deal with a new baby in his life when he was barely 2 years old. now we have chosen to stop making babies, mostly because of health risks. i still want four, but i'm not willing to risk my life or my baby's life to do it.
So we'll have Three.
Sometimes things don't go the way you "plan" & I'm coming to terms with that.
the whole idea of leaving baby-making up to inspiration alone can be dangerous i think, especially when i consider the several women i know who just seem to have too many children for their own good. not that they don't love them, of course. but my sanity and my ability to pursue other things in life which I find fulfilling have been major factors in our child-bearing decisions.
i just feel lucky that we have been able to make decisions at all, though, since so many women suffer with infertility these days, as you well know, my dear.
there are several (and by "several" i mean a lot) of families in my ward with 7 or more children. and all of these children are close in age. their parents obviously don't believe in having a plan. (which is fine for them but i think they are crazy.) i like having a plan- as much as you can plan these types of things, which isn't so much for me and my reproductive system.
i like that my first 2 are a 26 months apart. but i like that 2 and 3 will be 3 years apart (not that i planned it like that, but it is working out quite well). i have realized that i don't need to rush these things. i don't want to kill myself in the process of bearing children.
i am worried about when to stop. i think that is the real hard decision here. as far as i can tell, you just have to decide and then be ok with what you have decided. you can't go on forever making babies. it isn't good for you. and it isn't good for your children. at some point i think they need a mother and not a baby making machine.
i have nothing against large families. i know there is a lot of love there, but i think you have to make the decision based on realistic factors-- like how many children you can really support (financially and emotionally). of course this answer would be different for everyone. really, it is up to you, your husband, and heavenly father. but i think we all know that.
I do like what Leslie said, that 3.5 years is good spacing for number 2 and 3, and probably so forth. But if you are ansy, I've heard lots that having the first two close together - is easy?
But who knows.
I personally, am the fan of giving each 'their' time, when Kalle can go potty for herself, and I feel like I can talk and communicate with her (to explain another child - even just a little) then we will God willing add another.
But just like mother'ing, and sleep techniques, etc. There are a million right ways. So there's not one right answer. I am sure this will be a hot topic for ya'. But I got another ... is mowing the lawn a man's job or the wife's? This boggles my moms mind, that I do!
First of all, your body needs about 18 months in between pregnancies, if at all possible. That would put the spacing at 2 years, three months or more.
I think this is so individual and we need to be supportive of other peoples' decisions (or lack of planning and letting nature take its course, which I guess is a decision, too). I knew tons of huge families growing up (7+ is my definition of huge), but almost no one that I know is doing that now -- I was surprised that Stephanie said she knew a bunch who have 7 or more. In my neighborhood, most (LDS) people are stopping at 4.
My kids are mostly about 2 1/2 years apart, which has worked well for us. We have one bigger gap, where we lost a baby, then moved across the country. That 3 1/2 year gap is ok too. I will say that the fourth baby marked our descent into chaos, and we're not completely out yet, 18 months later.
I guess everyone has their own beliefs about inspiration, but to me, it starts with your own intelligence. You figure out what you think will be the very best decision for your life and your family, then pray for the Lord to stop you if you're wrong. I have known people who have had strong impressions about having a baby which were unprovoked, but for the most part, I think the Lord would want us to make good choices, then pray to confirm.
I just started a post on this in my drafts section. You are usually in synch with my brain patterns. Adopting our children took considerable forethought and effort (and money!) Part of us wanted to stop at 2. Part of us wanted to open our hearts to more. After a lot of prayer and fasting and thinking the issue to death...we decided to become foster parents. We felt compelled.
This is the first time we've had to opportunity to decide how many children we want to have. We've gotten several calls about babies in the short month we've been foster parents. We've only said yes to one. One who is supposed to go home to his parents. He's our "trial run" so we can decide if this is what we really want to do.
Having the choice, changed our entire perspective. It makes you think long and hard about how each child affects your life, and the family as a whole (and your stress and exhaustion levels.)
I have to be honest, stopping at 2 is looking so perfect and inviting right about now. But, we're trying hard to decide if that is for purely selfish reasons or if the Lord has different plans for our family.
In short, a large family sounds great to my husband and I "in theory" but we aren't sure it's really what we want. We're just relying on faith and prayer to help us decide what is right as opposed to what is most convenient and/or comfortable.
I wrote about this very topic a few weeks ago! (My musings were significantly less entertaining than yours though.)
My one thought on the topic, other than a big "amen" to Stephanie that it should be a decision between the husband, wife, and the Lord, is that I think a lot of people need to reevaluate what it means to "afford" another child. Yes, children can be financial bloodsuckers, but there are a lot of ways to raise (a lot of) healthy, happy children without breaking the bank. It drives me crazy when people with 2 or 3 kids think they are "bursting at the seams" in a 2500 sq. foot home!!! Or when people think they need to spend $1000 per child (or more) at Christmas. The blessings children bring into the home are worth a little effort at provident living.
(Thanks for letting me vent a little.)
So far, we have 4 kids, and according to my "plan" we're 1/2 way. (I'm one of those crazies who want a huge family) :) But with each baby, we give it a lot of thought, discussion, and prayer.
Babies 1 and 2 are 21 months apart, 2 and 3 are 18 months apart, and babies 3 and 4 are 21 months apart. It's working for us.
I can still find some time for other things - church, crafts, friends - but not a ton of time. And for me that's ok. Right now in my life, having babies and being Mom is what I want to do. (I don't think I'd turn down a maid, though. Cleaning house is sooo not how I like to spend precious free time) :)
I'm not baby hungry yet (our youngest is 6 months), but I am thinking about "the next one." One of the big factors in "the next one" is our car. We have 4 car seats in our mini-van, and even though it's supposed to be a 7 seater, you can't really fit 5 car seats in it. Soooo . . . baby #5 will likely require a bigger car, which equals more $$$. It seems an odd factor to me, but it's a realistic one.
We'll continue to think, discuss, pray, and plan. I want to be healthy and able to love and care for the children we've been blessed with so far, as well as the others we hope will join our family in the future.
I think Stephanie summed it up when she said it's between you, your husband, and Heavenly Father. I don't think we'll be asked to do more than we can - but that doesn't always mean it's easy. (like Mrs. Dub said) We're all different, and I think there is a Plan for each of us and our families. As we make choices and stay close to the Lord, He can let us know if we're on the right track.
As for mowing the lawn - dh has been doing it, I like to do it, but we're going to pay a neighborhood boy to do it the rest of the summer because our lawn mower quit working. :)
amen to what jessi said, too. :)
Pack 'em in fast. I had four under four (thanks to the twins) and have no regrets! I got the insanity out of the way in a few short years... and now, they're 3.5, 3.5, 5, and 7, and they're all the best of friends & out of diapers and close enough in age to love the same things (like Disneyland and cartoons). I know it will be sad when they're all going to college & on missions & married at the same time... empty nest will happen quick... but I love having them so close; they're so much fun. So, for anyone who is able to, I recommend my "less than two years apart" plan (I got pregnant with the next one around the baby's first birthday).
I just recently (June 22) gave birth to our second and our kids are 18 months apart.
After my first, I wanted nothing to do with babies, even mine, because I had such severe post-partum depression. It took me at least 6 months to actually bond with and enjoy my baby.
When she was 9 months old, my husband and I had "the feeling" at the exact same time and knew we had to bring someone into our family.
I cried (not out of happiness). I cried the entire month we were trying (which it only took that long). I cried when I saw the pregnancy test (I made my husband look after about 10 minutes of letting it sit in the bathroom). I cried the entire first 3 months, hoping for a miscarriage. When the first 12 weeks were up, I cried another 2 months.
I saw a psychiatrist, changed meds (I have depression, anxiety, everything when I'm not pregnant) and that seemed to work a while.
I had preterm labor with my first and second. Both put me on bedrest which caused me to gain more weight. Both shot me into the deepest depression I've ever had a week after their birth.
The only factors we look at are "the feeling" and my sanity, which is obviously pretty much out the window.
I can't breastfeed anymore because I need meds you can't take breastfeeding and I don't like breastfeeding. I think it's necessary, I just don't like to do it.
12 million times I've asked, "What would posess God to send me children? I'm unappreciative and didn't want either!"
I am grateful to have my daughter, now, and I love my son, also. I've got years to decide on the next baby, if there ever is one. But if He tells us we need another child in our home at any time, we will do it.
Any big decision we've made we never regretted because we remember how we felt at the time of asking. I know we will be able to handle it, even though I never see how at the time.
I'm just gonna keep the "baby" part out of my prayers for a long time.
Great topic!
planning? what's that?
i have two boys, both unplanned -- and i was on birth control for both, may i add -- so i have no idea what it's like to want or try to have a baby. i just do.
that said, my boys are less than two years apart (about 20 months) and the first year with both was really hard. if i had planned, i would have waited until the older one was out of diapers. but now i love having two boys this close. the youngest wears hand me downs (it helps they were born in the same season) and they're such good friends.
if i have my way, we're done. there will be no more. two, as a working mom, is SO hard. but then again, my "plans" haven't really worked out for me. sometimes i prefer unplanned, over planned, because it's meant to be, not what i wanted it to be.
such an interesting topic... even more interesting are how varying the responses seem to be and it's just 11 people!
my two cents... after trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years now, i've learned to come to grips with the fact that i'm clearly not in a position to "plan" my family. i know this is the opposite kind of "plan" that you're referring to, but it's just not in the books for me. the funny thing is that knowing how long it's taken the first time around (with probably more time to go), it makes me nervous to put it off again... so we'll see what happens. watch #1 take 2.5 years to come and #2 take 2.5 months. :)
i'm so so envious of my friends who wake up one morning and say "i think i'd like to have a baby in september" and then miraculously their egg and sperm connect without difficulty and come september, here comes a new baby. :) ah, the joys of procreation.
My children are 7 days shy of being 18 months apart and I love it. I am not one of those have a huge family types either. My daughter will be 2 in August and my son will turn 6 months just before that. It's great. My daughter was the same age as Miss Dub when I got pg with my little guy. It worked out perfectly for our family. If I had waited too much longer I fear my daughter would have "hated" the baby and reacted terribly to having a new person in our home. She was perfect with him, has yet to hit him, smack him etc.
I truly think that decided when to bring another child into your family is between you, your husband and the Lord.
But if you are listening to me, I say go for it.
HOT TOPIC Indeed. I wonder if this will even get read, as I haven't read all the comments, but alas... I'll have to later when I don't have mtns. of laundry to do!
I got pregnant with our 1st 6 months after we got married and we were excited. Then I got sick... which I guest blogged back on here a while ago (If you haven't read about that, and would like to, click on HTT on Mrs. Dub's side bar and read HTT- Guest blogger edition from 4.24.07)
Then we waited for a couple of years and I was REALLY BABY HUNGRY. And we tried for a year to get pregnant and couldn't. Finally it happened. They are 3 years and 8 days apart.
THEN when my second one was 9 months old I found out I was preggers with out even trying and living under the TOTAL misguided misconception (um... thats a double negative, sorry) that it's not AS EASY to get pregnant when you're nursing or that you just WON'T. NOT TRUE LADIES!
I wondered WHY, after what happened after I had Hannah, and it took so long to have a second one WHY would the Lord send one so soon!? Was it because it was time, in His timing? Was it because we were being 'stupid' and not using a totally reliable form of BC (although I do have to say that we were doing some variation of the rhythm/ovulation method and using c's-- so I wasn't totally naive). I was scared out of my wits, really. Up until even after she was born I was worried HOW IN THE HECK I was going to handle it all!!! 3 under 5 and with my husband gone so often. I am grateful that shes here and have had a couple very sweet experience in the 4 months since I've had her where I've just felt total peace and gratitude that I have her.
Would I have done it like this on purpose. No. Am I glad I have 3 under 5... depends on the day! I have NEVER had the "I really feel like we need to add another baby to our family and we must start trying NOW!!!!" feeling. I remember feeling guilty hearing people talk "oh well we've been fasting and praying to know whether we should try for another one now". That just hasn't been our experience, but that's not to say that it will never happen to me.
I am grateful on all counts though for my SANITY and Health, ESPECIALLY given my medical history. I feel like the Lord really has confidence in me and has helped me to believe in myself. This experience (having to 18 months apart TO THE DAY) has helped me to learn that, and I love Him for it! (Some days I'm totally overwhelmed... most, but ntl... I'm grateful.)
I am all about having as many kids as you want as long as you don't have to depend on welfare to take care of them. I know people who are like that and I do not like paying for their children's meals, education, etc.
I come from a family of 7 kids. My mom had all of us in 10 years. Her spacing sounds crazy to me...but in fact she is totally sane. She did not sweat the little stuff. I think 2-4 years in the best spacing for kids. I think 5 years is WAY too long. It would be like raising a only child every 5 years.
I do believe in planning because I like to plan almost everything in my life. I plan what I wear, eat, and exercise a week in advance. My infertility issues delay my planning, but that is fine. I will take them as I can get them.
When my twins were 10 months old, I thought I should just have another one and get it all over with. I thought "Hey, I am in this mess ...why not add one more".
As the kids get older, I feel like spacing them out more and more.
My advice is...if you want more and can afford more---do it before you change your mind. You would not regret it.
I think it is so fascinating the different feelings and thoughts about this one... this is a topic that is definitely to each his/her own... for me- I always dreamed of having six children (my husband knew of this when we got married) well here we are 10.5 yrs. later with four healthy children, and two (practically) sane parents. I consider such a blessing that we have four (three boys and a little princess girl) and for all intensive purposes- we are done! I do think you need to consider the expense of each child- I know that the Lord will provide-- but come on people - we have to be smart and plan appropriately. I feel like Pres. Hinckley is a huge advocate of this and I have seen big families (5+) that do it beautifully- and some that struggle. I live in Utah- and I can't say that I have seen alot of people with more than six children- it seems like these days- that is the max. (the saying- 4 is the old 6- 6 is the old 8...) We live in a different world- everything is more expensive- it is not okay to let the kids wander around aimlessely(?) there are just too many freaks out there... I could go on and on- there is my opinion!
I love all these different comments!
I guess we just have to remember that one of the greatest gifts we have been given is free agency. HFather tells us to make a decision and pray about it. He doesn't tell us..."You will probably die giving birth, but go get pregnant." It's still a decision you have to make with your husband and with Heavenly Father's to guide you. Of course everyone in the world would want you to have a cute, chubby baby but YOU are the only one who knows the whole situation.
Sometimes things happen that you don't plan and then you try your best to be a good mom and to be happy.
But it's all so personal. No one can tell you what is right or wrong for you except what you feel in your heart, and what your body tells you, and what HFather helps you to feel is right. But it is still YOUR choice.
If you want great examples look at the families of the general authorities. Some have 9, some have 2. Even if they couldn't have more - if it were a commandment to have huge families and babies everywhere they would have adopted. But these intelligent men and women, children of God, in part, used thier own minds in deciding the size of their families.
I would love to have a lot of children. Right now I have 2. And they are 2 years 7 months apart. And we did try to "plan" them. Even if we hadn't planned it, they would have been loved. My husband and I are so happy with both of our children! They are the best of friends. The older child teaches the younger one and they love and learn from each other.
I got really sick through and after the pregnancy with both of my children. I don't know if we will have anymore. I don't know if I can make the physcial sacrafice again.
I have faith, but sometimes good judgement is needed, too. I wouldn't eat a whole cake by myself if I had Diabetes, because I have faith I won't go into shock or something. Dumb analogy, but you know what I mean!
I don't know if my feelings will change? My husband says he is so grateful for our 2 children. Oh ya, and I got them here having no thyroid and taking hormone replacements. Talk about not needing anymore hormoned!! But, I am glad to know that no matter what we decide, HFather will still loves us and is still proud of us.
This is just 1 opinion though.
You girls are such great, and thoughtful moms! Please take care of yourselves! Love ya'll.
Wow! Great Topic and very helpful. Amen to Jessi and Imari and many others. I have 3 darling children, the first two boys are spaced almost 19 months apart and then we had a girl four years later, three months ago. The boys are best friends, and they adore, entertain, and protect their baby sister. I am a total "Fertile Mertyl", but having some of my very best that have fertility issues I sort of feel guilty when I want to stop at 2 or now 3, because I can so easily, healthily, and somewhat financially have more. I am super baby hungry for 2 more, but my husband is not on the bandwagon, yet. I truly do need to budget better and sacrifice more (ala Jessi's comment) so that we will be able to provide for college and other important necessities of this life. And if the Lord, my husband and I decide to add on to our family, we will make the necessary changes to provide. Oh and I have issues about having a middle child, and having grown up with 5 sisters, having my daughter have no sister. Thanks for the vent/eye opener.
I'm so relieved to hear that this is indeed a HT in other households and not just mine - I already knew it was a subject of struggle for my BFF Leslie, since we talk about it nearly every time we talk recently.
Pregnancies and post-deliveries tend to be more difficult for more and more women now days - perhaps we are all just being more honest with ourselves or perhaps things are just more open now. It's comforting to know that there isn't something wrong with me because I can't have babies every other year and have a smile on my face the entire time. I had a VERY difficult #1 pregnancy, #2 baby came just 22 months later. I hear Leslie when she talks about giving kids enough time and space to be their own blessing and spirit in your home. I also planned on having 4 kids, all two years apart. RIGHT - my #2 turned 2 in April and I can't even stomach the thought of another baby any time soon.
I have two munchkins who I love dearly but I will be honest with y'all - they are no picnic. I look at others with their well behaved and calm children (IE: my before mentioned BFF and her lovely sister) and think, "Hmmm, what would that be like?" I hear Leisha - and think a lot recently, "Two's good - one of each" I struggle with the plan Jay and I started out with (4 kids) and facing the reality of the facts:
1) my body doesn't do pregnancy very well
2) my kids (who again, I love SO much) are a handful
3) with age and my health complications, my chances of having a baby with mental, physical and health complications are well above the average woman
....not fun things to wrestle with, especially being raised in the Church and all that that brings with it. I think the bottom line is an open door of honest communication between your spouse and the Lord - everything else with sort itself out, with the Lord's help, of course. Just help me get there, right?
I was sitting in church one day when HF hit me with a brick and said “It’s time to start having children.” But! But! No buts, we just had to follow. It’s a good thing it happened that way since it took us years to get pregnant.
When Guille was 20 months I knew it was time for another. I told my husband and he said let’s start trying when Guille turns 2. I could live with that. I was worried that it would take years to conceive, but it didn’t happen that way. I stopped nursing at 30 months and got pregnant the next month. We’d “only” been trying six months.
I never really wanted kids. I knew I was ‘supposed’ to have them, but it never appealed to me. That’s why a brick dropping on my head was the right way to send this Nineveh bound girl on the right path. Once I had El Guille I thought to myself, “Holy cow! I like this! This is FUN!” I guess I’d never expected it to be fun, I’d just always thought of kids as hard things, too much work. I wanted more of them and a lot of them. Husband was a little terrified, for him, two is pushing it.
So our boys are 3.3 years apart and it has been really great. El Guille got his time alone with us. He's a great helper and fetcher of items.
One of my considerations is that I’m working full time right now. I didn’t think I’d be working when I had two kids, but here I am. I am bound and determined not to be working out of the house full time when we have three. I think that would send me to the insane asylum for sure.
I have pretty good pregnancies. I'm sure I make other people miserable (I can get MEAN when pregnant,) but I make out OK. Our second baby came with a surprise nasty case of PPD. That stuff is horrendous and for me, at least, it’s a consideration. What if it lasts longer with the next baby? What if I’m incapable for caring for myself or my kids for a greater length of time?
Also, I’m not getting any younger. If I want two more kids at 3.5 years apart, I’m running out of time. I know we have at least one more, maybe two more. My husband will take more convincing. We’ll see.
I talked with a mom a few weeks ago who had nine children, the youngest is in her 20s now. I said how fun that must have been and I wish I could do that. She shook her head and said, “Those kinds of days are over. It’s too hard, too expensive now. I think we’re not going to see families like that anymore.” She’s probably right.
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