Princess Dub dons her crownAs you know, I really thought I wasn’t going to be that mom.
You know, that mom who is so coddling and controlling that she can’t bear to leave baby with a babysitter until she’s 12. Or that mom who is so undisciplined that she resorts to throwing baby in the car seat to lull her to sleep. Or that mom who loses her patience, thinks negative thoughts about her own child and declares to her husband, “When do I get a day off?”
But it dawned on me this weekend that despite my best efforts, I am that mom … which is a sad realization of a personality I desperately don’t want to have, but mostly a better understanding of that mom’s sheer humanity.
For example, Saturday was the first time we’ve left Miss Dub with a babysitter EVER. And did I mention she’s EIGHT months old today?
I’ve got a ton of justifications: “There are no good movies to see!” Or, “She’s so easy to schlep along!” And some real reasons, like I’ve just been too lazy to find a babysitter. Like, I have to drive 20 minutes just to pick up the young woman from church who lives closest to us. And, like, the going rate for a babysitter is $8-$10 an hour, which seriously, seriously makes me wish I’d joined a babysitter’s union when I had the chance. (And I didn’t.)
But the real reason is I’m a softy. I hate the thought of a crying, lonely or confused Miss Dub. I hate the thought of a poor teenager trying to calm down a screaming infant who’s never been left with a babysitter because her mom is totally paranoid. Because I really hate the thought of Miss Dub getting hurt or neglected because some 13-year-old is too busy texting some guy who doesn’t even like her and still wets his bed.
However, I bit the bullet and got the babysitter – who didn’t even bring a cell phone or make any mention of an incontinent crush. And it was great. We saw a movie. We got some lunch. We enjoyed life sans sippy cups. And I only thought about Miss Dub every 10 minutes or so, which is pretty good considering I’m that mom.
Then yesterday, I decided to give up my endless struggle to convince Miss Dub to sleep during church and/or do anything besides making scary Darth Vader sounds at the top of her lungs. (Her new favorite trick.) So rather than spend all of church in the mother’s lounge, I took her for a drive during Sunday School. She slept soundly throughout the final hour, and I got some much-needed spiritual nourishment. But I felt a little guilty; like I had cheated. And at church nonetheless!
Miss D’s happy streak ended, however, when we got home and it was time for another nap. The struggle to get her to not crawl around her crib Nascar-style combined with her increased whininess and my general fatigue created monsoon Mom conditions, which took me from frustrated to ticked in a flash. Suddenly, visions of a stubborn 7-year-old pitching a fit for a toy in Target filled my mind. And I honestly wondered what I had gotten myself in to. I honestly wondered if I had it in me to rear one child, much less a few more.
And then I tried to make Italian meatloaf for dinner and rather than risk a series of ailments including salmonella, I had to toss it. And that happens way more than I or my inner Ina would really want.
This time, visions of all the meals I would have to prepare flooded me: All the shopping, all the chopping, all the mental strain to think of something to make when the cupboards get bare. And I thought to myself, “When do I get a day off?” "When do I get to sleep in?"
"When did I turn into that mom?"
Because, my friends, that mom is human. That mom gets tired. That mom gets frustrated. That mom wishes bladder control issues on her imaginary babysitter. And that mom just does her best to try and be anything but that mom.
But unfortunately there’s a little bit of that mom in all of us. I just got a heartier helping of it.
The real question for you to ponder, however, is how much do you pay your babysitters? Because I opted for around $8, and I need to know if that was cheap.
Now that is something to think about.
23 comments:
#1 Getting a child to sleep by driving is not cheating -- I've known perfectly well-adjusted parents who resorted to that method on almost a daily basis, and their kids grew up just fine. Parenting is so hard sometimes -- why beat ourselves up?
#2 In suburban SLC $5-6 an hour is plenty for teenage babysitters, but I wouldn't be surprised if more is expected in a large urban area. When we had our first baby we lived outside of NYC and we never left him because we just plain couldn't afford it.
Darling, we pay $6 an hour for our babysitter and that's the HIGH end. We honestly had one young woman refuse to take that much, and I had to tell her I would NEVER hire her again if she didn't take it. I can't imagine paying them less than that. Um, and isn't it almost illegal because you have to pay at least minimum wage? Anyway, all the girls love to babysit for us because they know they're going to make bank. Some other moms from my old ward paid $3/hr and they had three kids. It drove me mad.
I am THIS mom:
a. The one who bought her son light up sandals, even though she swore she never would get them anything tacky
b. The one who lets her son wear cowboy boots nearly every day, originally intended to be an accessory to a Halloween costume
c. The one who lets him wear costumes, like Batman and Spiderman WITH cowboy boots, in public
d. The one who takes her kids to daycare, then takes the day off work, just to get that "day off" and read a book and lay out at the pool. Completely selfish.
e. The one who buys her kids McDonalds at least once a month because it's so endearing the way Jack says "Old McDonalds" and because he asks please
f. The one who threatens to throw away every Power Ranger toy and movie in the house if he doesn't stop throwing a fit and get in the pool for his $&*! swim class
g. The one who has consistently BRIBED him to get in the pool after the initial swim class, dutifuly taking him to get a "prize" if he swims without screaming
I'm not above bribery, chicken nuggets, "personal days" and tacky accessories as a mom. And I always thought I would be.
I am totally that mom. Want to know something that will make you feel so much better? Just this Friday night, we left Mia with her first-non-family member baby-sitter. She is 2.5. And we actually left her at my sister-in-law's house with all her cousins too. I AM SOO THAT MOM!! :) So I have no idea what you pay for a baby-sitter.
And my excuse, for the record, is that we lived in SF and LA where there were no YW to speak of. Or something.
Hey there! So you don't know me but I found your blog through a friend, Clarissa, who recommended it and...I love reading it! You're such a great writer; I love reading your posts.
With this post though, I have a story as well! Our daughter is 10 months old, and we've only left her with a YW once, at 4 months. This YW was recommended to us and we were told she was "at least 14" and that she was great! So my husband and I left for his company party feeling pretty confident in her. I called her about every hour to make sure Abby wasn't screaming her ear off, and was told every time that things were great. Well, jump to a few weeks later, I was over at my friends' house and she said, "Oh I heard Erika (the babysitter) kind of had a hard time with Abby." To my knowledge things were "great!" So my friend found out this information when she had gone in for tithing settlement and the bishop (Erika's dad) told them Erika had called them because she didn't know what to do with a crying baby! So basically I found out that my baby had cried the whole night through a friend through the bishop. Hmmm...yeah we haven't left her with another YW since then!
Oh, and I am SO that mom!
here in the az, we opt for like 6 or 7 an hour. i feel like 5 is too little and 8 is like how much in n' out pays.... and these girls don't have to flip burgers or clean any trash cans filled with chocolate shake. the whole "that mom" idea gets us all one way or another. some are wierd in one way, others are freaks for a whole other reason.
I'm thinking you have another new hairdo. It's so cute! I just love that picture.
Re: babysitters... in our neck of the woods, we pay $5-7/hour. I always want to pay closer to $7... but the YW usually say they only get $5 from most families. I sort of base it on how much she has to do that particular time... did she just put them to bed and watch TV all night OR did she have to make dinner and feed them and have them awake most of the time?
I agree that we all have some of THAT MOM in us. And that's okay.
I totally "get" this post. I feel all of those same thoughts. The first time we got a sitter we only stayed out for 2 hours. I told Ryan it was because the babysitter is so expensive ($5 and hour).Nut I know it was because I was nervous. It gets easier, BTW.
And now we live in a very expensive state and I think $8 an hour is a very reasonable price. Especially when the kids sleep the whole time!
I didn't leave my first born with a non-family babysitter until she was almost 2. My daughter spoke early and was able to answer me when I asked what the babysitter did in the short hour that they were together. My daughter answered, "She ate cookies" which I later found out was pretty accurate. My oldest is now a few months away from being 6 and she LOVES reporting on what the babysitter does. I had a favorite YW who we had used several times, until Brooklyn reported that she was "dialing her cell phone" most of the evening. That babysitter has not been back.
As far as what to pay... when I was 12 - 14 and did plenty of babysitting, I got about $4 per hour. This was 14+ years ago. So I think $5 just seems too low. That is just a personal thing. I pay $7 an hour generally. My dad always says, "You get what you pay for." So I am hoping that we get the best by paying a little better.
In some ways you'll continue to become more "that" mom, going from "She has to wear the matching socks & hairbow with that outfit!" to "Go ahead and pick our your own clothes today; we're only going to the grocery store." In some ways you'll become less, as your kids multiply & get older, and your attitudes morph from "But I need to have my eyes on her every second of the day!" to the less protective "I'm pretty sure the kids are outside riding their bikes; I'll go check on them in a while."
About babysitters: I don't think I ever used a teenaged babysitter until I had two kids. I did a lot of babysitting-trading with my friends until then, or used family. When my twins were born (and I had two toddlers too) we would use two babysitters and pay them $5/hr each. When the twins were a little older and I could trust one 14-yr-old to watch all four kids, I asked our main babysitter, "I've been paying you $5 each with two babysitters here; how much do you think would be fair for me to pay just you?" I was floored when she answered, "$4 would be good." Excuse me? She told me of two other families in the ward that paid her $4/hr, one of whom had four very young and very rowdy boys! So, now I pay $7-8 and nobody has complained about it... although I hear the going rate is higher in the Phoenix zip codes.
P.S. Love the post.
I can totally relate. My son is 9 months and I finally called a babysitter about 2 weeks ago so my husband and I could go on a date. It was well worth it and I KNOW Liam enjoyed the attention he got from our cute little babysitter.
In some ways I am a better mom than I ever thought I'd be and in other ways I am surprised by the things I do...mostly to get my kid to stop crying. For instance I didn't think I'd be into binkies as much as I am or that nursing would only last 6 months. Great Blog.
Welcome to motherhood!! You have had your first taste of reality! And things will just get more "real" from here.But I too remember the day I realized that I too had become "that" mom. That isn't a bad thing, but it's a sad thing. It was a sad day when I had to start thinking about how I was going to handle my child not sharing toys or doing things she shouldn't, because it was dangerous, & the list goes on. Now with a 2 1/2 year old & one on the way. I am a little scared to add to the work load & the fits & the exhaustion. But I remind myself often that they don't come out as 2 1/2 year olds... that for the first few months this new little baby may just be my sanity, until he slowly reaches the age of other fun stages & independence.
I remember seeing parents of older children & seeing some of the things they did or didn't do & it was so easy to pass judgement. And then my child reached that same age & did thos same things, & I wanted to pick up the phone & apologize for the thoughts I had once had. But I didn't call, since those thoughts were never verbalized, I didn't see the need to draw attention to myself. So what I did instead is made a mental note to not pass judgement on fellow parents & say I will NEVER... because I don't enjoy eating my words!! Just yesterday I let my daughter wear a pair of flip-flops to church that clashed with her dress, because it wasn't worth the fight. (You are probably thinking... I WON'T do that... but alas, you will. And I can't wait to read all about it on your blog.)
Welcome to the "I'm-THAT-Mom-and-never-thought-I-would-be-club"...we've been waiting for you to join! (p.s. I think everyone joins eventually.)
Our teenaged sitter charges us $10/hr. This is why we wait for my parents to visit before attempting "date nights".
I SO hear you on this one. We're lucky enough to have tons of family close by, so Elijah hasn't had a non-family babysitter yet.
And I am definitely all kinds of THAT mom.
wow! These rates seem high! I live in suburbia houston, and the first time i got a baby sitter, I paid her around $5/hour (she is the best babysitter around). the next week at church her mom told me that I paid her too much and that the next baby-sit was free! Of course I couldn't let her babysit for free...so I paid her $4/hour. She said that was the going rate. I only have one child, 2 years, and she is as easy as they come. I've been told that by many babysitters.
I think anything above $6 for one child is WAY too much!
I think everyone doesn't want to me 'that mom' until they have kids themselves and then everyone realizes kids are hard.
I have a 16 month old and I have never left him with a non family babysitter. I can't get past letting someone under the age of 16 take care of my son. Some day maybe.
Also, all moms need a day off. I am a working mom and I took my first one the other day, and I couldn't believe how much it helped. You are not a bad mom from taking one. I am a better mom for taking one.
And remember kids are only kids (baby) once. I don't think they grow up with more problems if you rock them to bed a couple times or drive your car around to get them to sleep. They are only going to be young once, enjoy it (even if it goes against every book you have read). That is what I have learned and it has made me a better mom and not soo hard on myself.
Great post.
I loved this blog! So true...I am one of your readers that is a friend of a friends sister... well- I never thought I would be that mom that would let one of her boys chose tennis shoes with characters on them- and just the other week I let my five year old pick out his 'car' shoes with McQueen from cars all over them. He is so happy about them and it doesn't bug me at all. About babysitters- about 7 years ago I found an 11 yr. old girl who became my 'mothers helper' (I was always home- she just played with my son and helped me while I did laundry... etc...and felt sick and tired when I was pregnant) well- I feel like I trained her to be a great babysitter and she still babysits for me (we had two other boys and a girl to our family) she is the best and a part of our family. The kids love her and she knows the routine- she just graduated- and this summer I am using her more than I think I can afford (but it is so worth it!) I pay her $7.00 an hr. and she is very happy about that. Worth its weight in gold!
i could get paid for watching my friends kids!? ;)
I am absolutely THAT mom ~ this post spoke to me more than you know. Actually you DO know, because you are living the life the rest of us mothers are living, as well.
If it makes you feel a little less paranoid, my children are going on 8, 2, and 6. We've never had a babysitter other than grandma and grandpa. And I've got a big bag of excuses too.
Melissa R. Garrett
www.LittleWoolgatherings.blogspot.com
www.TheSilverTongue.blogspot.com
Wow, the going rate for babysitting in Dallas is $5 - $7 an hour at most! Love the hat, love the witty commentary on life. you're the bomb.
Ditto Katie (my sister) I had a young girl that I trained with my kids and made the biggest mistake of moving away (well she went away to college that year anyway) - thank goodness I moved near Katie and get to use her babysitter. I definitely feel you get what you pay for - I pay 6-7 for 2 kids and I always round up for the hour. I feel getting a monopoly on the good babysitters is crucial. And I am so THAT mom and more.
Your supposed to feel that way (not wanting to leave your baby) especially when she's still, well a baby. Of course your feelings will change when she doesn't need you as much for her basic survival. I guarantee you won't have a problem leaving her when she's twelve.
Have you ever watched the discovery channel and noticed, that with most mammals, the mother and baby stick together for some amount of time until the baby decides they are ready to be more independent? At that point the baby starts venturing out on his own more and maybe hunting his midday snack, but he doesn't leave completely. They come back for dinner. They need their mother's for some amount of time and less and less as they get older. Just like our babies need us. The animals take small baby steps to learning how to be an animal, and people should only have to take small steps to learning how to be a person in this world. It's a big, scary world out there and we are their world, especially if we stay at home with them all day. I feel they do get scared and confused when their "world"--you, are not near them. When they get older and their world encompasses more than just you, then I believe thats when it's okay to leave them for longer periods of time, with people they don't know too well (babysitters). But until then you should do what you instinctively feel and that is to be close to your baby.
This is my humble opinion. Which is a result of doing what feels right and reaping the positive benefits of it.
Check out attachment parenting with Dr. Sears. He has books and a website:
www.askdrsears.com
I don't follow everything he says, But I feel his explanations of why mother's feel they way they do and his techniques are really what feels most natural to me.
I swore I'd never let a kid out of the house with uncombed hair or a snotty nose. That was until I decided I didn't like chasing and pinning Max to the floor and furiously scrubbing his face all while he screamed bloody murder. What's wrong with bed head and a little snot, anyway?
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