Today’s Hot Topic is for all ye Mormons, but it’s a microcosm of the human experience so all you Mo-haters out there can stay seated for the duration of my rant.
It deals with church callings, but it’s also about perfectionism.
And I must preface my remarks with a declaration that I AM PROUD TO BE A MORMON. My religion and faith is the most important thing to me on this very beautiful earth of ours. It gives me answers, direction, peace, clarity, happiness, friendships and joy. I love going to church. And if I haven’t invited you to church recently, consider yo’self invited because I promise you’ll loOove it!
But like all things earthly, despite the perfection of the church, it’s run by mere humans who are anything but perfect and subject to foibles. And I’m the merest of them all.
And that is never more evident than when serving in my various church capacities.
(Quick lesson: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a lay ministry, which means no one is paid to hold to leadership positions, which means that anyone who meets certain standards is eligible for most positions or “callings.” So every few years or so you might be assigned to a new calling, meaning the pastor – called “bishop” – might teach small children next. Or I might suddenly be in charge of a huge organization of women and their needs. It’s overwhelming, but extremely rewarding and helps develop all sorts of skills and understanding over the course of a lifetime. And while you can say no to any calling, most don’t. We believe we’ve been selected by God for each assignment.)
The problem is that some people think callings must be approached like an important dinner party; that everything must be formal and nice and perfect. Or like a major corporation, meaning there must be meetings to plan a meeting about a possible meeting about a small idea.
And that’s not my cup of (herbal) tea.
Currently I serve on the activities committee in my ward, which is one of the more secular callings because we plan parties for our congregation. And while I’m no fan of Jell-o salad or casseroles, I’m all for convenience, so potluck dinners at a local park with mellow conversation are up my alley. (I just do my best to make sure my personal contributions aren’t culinary faux pases, or take charge of the decorations if I hear streamers might be involved.)
But some people think every activity must be a major production. For example, they constructed a life-sized gingerbread house for the Christmas party. And at a recent beach-themed party, there were more decorations than people. It looked amazing, but it stressed out lots of people, cost lots of money and made people like me feel guilty that I wasn’t welding lifeguard towers all day long.
More recently we staged a production of Broadway vignettes for one night. Someone suggested we assemble props for each of the numbers, which is normal. I was given charge of a couple. One of my assignments was to build a wooden hut … for a short musical number … for a church production seen by friends and family. I said no. It wasn’t worth a sleepless night and crash course on construction just to enhance the set. Thankfully, my superior understood. (We nixed a wooden sign as well.)
But it was even worse when I was younger. There was a certain ward (that a certain family who reads this blog once belonged to) that actually hired a professional choreographer to do their annual Roadshow musical and spent big bucks on professional costumes and scenery.
And it wasn’t uncommon to hear of Relief Society meetings where decorations and themes eclipsed post-Oscar bashes.
It deals with church callings, but it’s also about perfectionism.
And I must preface my remarks with a declaration that I AM PROUD TO BE A MORMON. My religion and faith is the most important thing to me on this very beautiful earth of ours. It gives me answers, direction, peace, clarity, happiness, friendships and joy. I love going to church. And if I haven’t invited you to church recently, consider yo’self invited because I promise you’ll loOove it!
But like all things earthly, despite the perfection of the church, it’s run by mere humans who are anything but perfect and subject to foibles. And I’m the merest of them all.
And that is never more evident than when serving in my various church capacities.
(Quick lesson: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has a lay ministry, which means no one is paid to hold to leadership positions, which means that anyone who meets certain standards is eligible for most positions or “callings.” So every few years or so you might be assigned to a new calling, meaning the pastor – called “bishop” – might teach small children next. Or I might suddenly be in charge of a huge organization of women and their needs. It’s overwhelming, but extremely rewarding and helps develop all sorts of skills and understanding over the course of a lifetime. And while you can say no to any calling, most don’t. We believe we’ve been selected by God for each assignment.)
The problem is that some people think callings must be approached like an important dinner party; that everything must be formal and nice and perfect. Or like a major corporation, meaning there must be meetings to plan a meeting about a possible meeting about a small idea.
And that’s not my cup of (herbal) tea.
Currently I serve on the activities committee in my ward, which is one of the more secular callings because we plan parties for our congregation. And while I’m no fan of Jell-o salad or casseroles, I’m all for convenience, so potluck dinners at a local park with mellow conversation are up my alley. (I just do my best to make sure my personal contributions aren’t culinary faux pases, or take charge of the decorations if I hear streamers might be involved.)
But some people think every activity must be a major production. For example, they constructed a life-sized gingerbread house for the Christmas party. And at a recent beach-themed party, there were more decorations than people. It looked amazing, but it stressed out lots of people, cost lots of money and made people like me feel guilty that I wasn’t welding lifeguard towers all day long.
More recently we staged a production of Broadway vignettes for one night. Someone suggested we assemble props for each of the numbers, which is normal. I was given charge of a couple. One of my assignments was to build a wooden hut … for a short musical number … for a church production seen by friends and family. I said no. It wasn’t worth a sleepless night and crash course on construction just to enhance the set. Thankfully, my superior understood. (We nixed a wooden sign as well.)
But it was even worse when I was younger. There was a certain ward (that a certain family who reads this blog once belonged to) that actually hired a professional choreographer to do their annual Roadshow musical and spent big bucks on professional costumes and scenery.
And it wasn’t uncommon to hear of Relief Society meetings where decorations and themes eclipsed post-Oscar bashes.
And while it looked impressive, does anyone still care?
Does anyone still remember the dance numbers or the decorations? And if you do, did they overshadow the real purpose of the events?
And isn’t so much of what this great gospel teaches us about balance?
Balancing a home and family and work and friends and church responsibilities?
And I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that a wooden hut would tip the scales.
But what about you?
Do you prefer convenience in church callings or life? Or do you insist on perfection, no matter how much it taxes you or others?
Because I’m a perfectionist in most things, but when it comes to church, I’m willing to endure some cottage cheese laced Jell-o for the sake of convenience.
Well, almost.
What about you?
23 comments:
For me friendships and opportunities to be apart of something special are far more important than decorations, BUT I also think that a streamer or two never hurt anyone.
In older more established wards this can be a big problem because people have the money outside of the budget to spend on “non essentials”. In my ward where there are many new families just started off we believe the simpler the better.
A major production for a church party is in poor taste, but making it nice can be done on a budget and without any sleepless nights. Well said, Mrs. Dub.
I'm of the laid-back "no hut" variety. That doesn't mean I don't feel a little guilty when as the Primary or YW Pres. I didn't turn the Primary room into a life-sized replication of the Sacred Grove or bedazzle the YW Recognition Night with millions of white lights and spotlighted works of art. Because other ward leaders did and everyone oooh'ed and ahhh'ed over it "Aren't they aMAZing? How do they DO it?"
Of course, this isn't isolated to church (as you mentioned...microcosm and all)... I was just my son's Kindergarten Room Mom and I sat dumbfounded when other Moms wanted to turn a one hour end-of-year Luau into a major production just shy of an actual Hawaiian vacation.
Here is my resolution with it. Some might truly enjoy pouring their heart and soul into some things. Like with me, it is my children's birthday parties. I don't do it to show-off or be a perfectionist, I just truly truly enjoy every second of the planning and execution of fun (sometimes excessive) parties. I don't judge other people who just serve cake and ice-cream and call it a day, I enjoy those parties too.
So, I guess if some people are like that about other things in life, like building huts for 3 minute productions....then do it! If it makes you happy and you enjoy it great. However, if you don't have the time, money or energy and just don't enjoy that kind of excess...then don't feel guilty NOT doing it.
In life in general I think excess should always be the exception and not the rule (I only do big parties for my kids every other year...balance, you know?)
Ok, great question. I personally feel that you can make activities simple and yet still something enjoyable. Not too long ago I was a secretary in R.S. and the Pres was all about presentation. Her rules about activities were: 1) there must be a theme, 2) there must be a matching color theme, to go along with the theme, and 3) there must be matching tablecloths.
One of my favorite of her quotable quotes was the following, “You know, the Bishop and I have different styles. While he’s all about going after the one, I’m all about having a great activity for her to come to.” Sorry Ms. Pres, that “style” wasn’t originated by the Bishop.
i think i'm of the extreme-variety in this case (the case of simplify, that is)... to the extent that in certain "leadership" callings i've often felt a little "one of these things is not like the other"... because i just don't get excited about fancy and overdone. i've ruffled a few feathers in my day with my lack of table cloth, flowers, and fancy visual display in relief society (the men don't need it, why should we? haha). i'm sure i'll respond in suit when the opportunity arises on an activities committee. i am of the opinion (and MANY disagree, which is fine) that less is more. why not focus on the purpose of an event and not the preparation for it. thanks for the post... i feel a little less odd. :)
At the risk right now of anyone from my ward reading this powerfully written HTT, I am admitting that I have a calling that is the bane of my existence and constantly kicks my lazy bottom.
Secondly, I just got a second calling to activities committee and I think your sentiments are highly useful. I shall abstain from wooden hut building should that assignment come my way.
P.S. I wooden hut? What?
Also, ac's comment is too funny. Too funny.
Okay. At first I was feeling a little defensive of my home ward but then I remembered when we did all the filming of the "video roadshow," a few years later, and the 12 News studios. Hey, if you have connections, might as well use them! But growing up like that, I do find myself now thinking all the time, "If I can afford to spend a little of my own money to make this or that church activity a little nicer, why wouldn't I?" The concept of spending personal funds when I know there isn't enough in the ward budget for what I want to do, seems very reasonable to me. Until I remember that I'm don't quite have the income of most members of my home ward, and that I ought to just stick to the budget.
I think if someone wants to go crazy (within reason) on making a ward party, pack meeting, or girl's camp extra spectacular, go right ahead... as long as it doesn't cause headaches or extra work for other people. I suppose it's a fine line. What's extravagant for one may be no biggie for another; some people genuinely like to employ advanced scrapbooking skills and many papers & ribbons when making scripture bookmarks for the young women. And some people think that's ludicrous.
I just read Leisha's comment in its entirety and it sounds like I'm just seconding what she said.
I meant "at" the 12 news studios.
I completely agree with you Mrs. Dub! Don't we all just want to get together to chat and socialize anyway...as long as there is enough food to go around, I think it's a great activity.
We have budgets in the church for a reason. I say stick to them. Go spend your own hard-earned money on something for yourself.
I'm with ch'alls.
It's not that I'm against craftiness, or making something nice or even spending a lil' of your own money to add a lil' flavor to an event.
If you have the talent, use it! If you have the resources, use them! If you have the connections, work them! And if you have the money, well, that's your call. (I have been known to make bookmarks!)
But I'm also happy to bring a store-bought item and serve it out of its container. Because in the end, it is about the people not the presentation. No matter how good it looks.
Don't lose sleep over callings unless you're worrying about people. That's my rule of thumb. For everything else - good enough is good enough.
The most important lesson I have learned in my 30's (and I do believe it is a direct correlation with age) is how to say "No". Not to a church calling of course, but the other stuff, like volunteering for every Kindergarten event (okay I did that), babysitting for random people, and the extra unnecessary church stuff that stresses me out (like ironing the tablecloths and fresh flowers on Sunday). I wish I had the strength, stamina, and budget to do it all or hire someone to do it for me, but I don't. Also, I have lived a lot of places including the incredibly affluent and not so much, and the spirit of the event is the most important, but I do admit, the over-the-top extravagant stuff is pretty memorable too. Love the HTT.
As the non-Mormon member of the group, I am going to give you my different take on things. I used to be an event planner (before I took a boring corporate job). I delight in big, themed parties with matching invitations and napkins and dipping sauces. But.... as any good party planner would tell you... you have to be careful. A beach party with some drink umbrellas is one thing. With imported palm tress... well, that just raises the bar. You go from there to costumes and signs, and the next thing you know, are raising a barn for your ho-down.
I think it is important for every family (or congregation) to have specials celebrations that everyone can gather around. Like ONE really great Holiday celebration. That way people know what they are in for, know how to budget, and can get excited.
And, for whatever my two cents is worth, I am a mid-west gal who LOVES a good, low-key cookout!
ah, the joys of a lay ministry. in the gratitude Sunday entry I wrote a few days ago, I commented on how it was nice to go to church as a "protestant Mormon" (IE: having just been released the Sunday before, this meant I could go, sit back, be edified and not have any responsibility for the last Sunday we would be in this ward - a MAJOR change from what Sundays have been like for the past five years) - a term my favorite BYU professor coined. He used it when he referred to the reasons we would be split up in London Study Abroad and sent to they outlaying wards in London, to receive callings there and participate FOR REAL for the four months of our stay. Anyway, I had a commenter say that I shouldn't use protestant as a derogatory phrase; that Protestant Christians may see that as offensive. While it was not my intention to be offensive, I have to say that it's a lot harder to be a Mormon than a lot of Christian denominations who allow for occasional Sunday attendance and that's it. Callings, especially in leadership positions, are like a second job and they can take their toll on one's ability to handle stress. Again, I'm not saying "no thanks, we're good" to the incredible blessings that come in serving faithfully in one's calling, I will also say that it was sure nice to sit back and be edified last week.
I also want to say, back to the topic at hand, that it's crazy how outlandish some ward parties and RS enrichment meetings can get. I have served on both committees, as well as the head of the EN and it's always a struggle - you want to put in your best effort and make things memorable and beautiful, but always keeping in mind that it is money, after all, and no matter how nice, some people are never going to come, so don't kill yourself and spend all the budget on things that just get thrown away after the party (or get thrown in a closet for years and then get tossed). Leslie handed the EN leader baton to me and one of her best pieces of advice was this: if you have to spend money (that could otherwise be re-allocated to needier portions of the ward budget - what a novel idea!), buy things that you can reuse next month/year/talent show/roadshow/whatever. Smart lady, that BFF of mine.
The image of you making a wood hut kills me - for which musical numer, pray tell, was that intended? :D
I also found myself getting a little defensive of my roots when I read this post... and I even felt a little of that old Camelview-warder in you coming out. (You know... the Arcadia Ward haters...) Just kidding, of course!
I totally agree with what many have said. If you want to go for it and have the resources, then go ahead. Some people LOVE going all out. But no one should feel obligated to figuratively or literally "build a wooden hut." Also I don't think it's nice to disparage the "wooden hut builders" because the activities they put on really can be wonderful and memorable.
Fun HTT!
I SOOO agree with all the comments on here. Some people get a kick out of going over the top. Why not let them? But don't feel guilty for not adopting their mania if it's not your thing. Saying no to the optional is always acceptable.
I DO just have to throw in my two-cents about the need to be sensitive about people with specific talents who make money off those talents and are then asked to contribute said talents for free at church activities. Like, certain talented sisters with a catering company who are expected to professionally cater every ward activity gratis. Or, a certain talented person I know who makes lovely invitations and announcements and who is expected to provide professional (and free) announcements for every primary event.
Yes, such people are the obvious choice because they are good at what they do. But at the same time (a) this is how they make their living, and they have less time to do paying jobs if they're doing a million free ones for church, and (b) like most people, they probably need a break from work stuff during their free time. So I'm making a pitch for church leaders to really ask these people if they're okay with these requests rather than just assuming they're thrilled because "it's what they like to do." My guess is that most of them would be fine contributing their talents for the BIG events, but maybe not every event.
It might be blasphemy to admit it in this group...but I LOVE those big, over the top events. No, I don't think people should stay up night after night preparing or go broke over the ward Christmas party. But I do love to go to a meeting that has tons of delicious food, great decorations, etc. The most memorable ward parties are the ones that were big -- like when we were kids and Arcadia Park was turned into Bethlehem. It was extravagent and unnecessary, but it was incredible! I still remember it 20 years later. I also remember the RS lessons where the teacher had tons of cute decorations on the table, a fancy handout (which I always keep), and a delicious homemade treat to end the lesson. Are these things essential? No. Do they make the lesson more enjoyable and memorable? Definitely. At least, that's the way it is for me.
Now, do I want to be on a committee that is in charge of turning a city park into a biblical town...NO!
I THINK SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY TALENTED WITH "PARTY"PLANNING & IT TRULY IS EASY FOR THEM TO COME UP WITH THEMES AND THE LIKE AND OFTEN TIMES PEOPLE CONSIDER THEM AS SHOWING OFF OR MISSING THE TRUE MEANING... WHO IS TO SAY THEY DIDN'T FEEL THE SPIRIT WITH THEM OUR IN THIER HOME WHILE PREPAREING FOR SAID EVENT? WHY IS THIS ANY DIFFERENT THEN SOMEONE WHO CAN SING BEAUTIFULLY AND BRINGS THE SPIRIT TO THE MEETING WITH THAT TALENT. I DON'T THINK IT IS TOO BIG OF A DEAL TO ADD LEMON SLICES TO THE WATER AT ENRICHMENT AND IF I SEEM A LITTLE CRAZY WHEN I ARRIVE IT IS THE CRAZY LADY W/ ALL THE COUPONS THAT TOOK FOREVER IN THE LINE NOT THE OVER BOARD IDEA OF LEMONS IN THE WATER... GET MY DRIFT... ANYWAY I AGREE W/ ALOT OF THE COMMENTS ON THIS PAGE.. SORRY ABOUT THE ALL CAPS .. DIDN'T NOTICE TILL I WAS DONE....
As a member of the "don't need the table cloth" set, I would like to add that I tend to agree with the lets keep it simple theme, especially if the elders quorum has been asked to participate in the prepareation. I just hope that we all attend these simply done functions and help to make them succesful by just being there. To often I hear the refrain of "I don't think I'll go, there is never anyone there." Of course there is never anyone there because you don't go. Any way I hope this makes some sense to all of you very articulate ladies. FHP
I feel very strongly . . . 100% . . . on BOTH sides of this issue. When I was a young mother living in a ward that preferred to go "bare-tabled" and I went to my mother-in-law's ward with the matching table cloth/outfit du jour scenerio -- I definitely wanted to move into HER ward. On the other hand, I have seen people pour their extensive expertise and money into callings, which then created a very difficult situation for the next person in that calling who didn't have those resources. I worked with a woman to set up for a 2-ward Christmas party who shrieked so loudly about how "she had done dinners at the White house and we weren't doing it right", bringing many women to tears.
Bottom line: Moderation coupled with the willingness to go the extra mile if it will make a difference. I'm just sad Mrs. Dub didn't learn the ins and outs of hut-making. I sure we could have put that to use in the back yard.
Differences in individual creativity, effort, organization, and taste carry over into Church service. Except for extremes, I'm okay with that. People also carry over into Church service the attitudes and spending patterns that prevail in their personal lives. There, differences in affluence can create problems. When one Stake's Youth Conference is at the Stake Center and another’s is in Nauvoo or one’s campout is at the State Park and the other's is in Alaska, it can be unfair, disheartening, and even testimony damaging. The uniform budget was adopted to eliminate excessive fundraisers, budgets, slush funds, and activities, to reduce disparities among Wards and Stakes, and to redirect funds from well-intentioned but unnecessary or overdone activities to more appropriate uses (temples, chapels, missions, and welfare, particularly in developing areas). Overuse of personal funds or assets beyond the standard budget defeats those purposes. In response, one local stake eliminated refreshments, disbanded sports programs, dropped out area Girls Camp (moving to local free campgrounds and family tents), and banned use personal funds and expenses in excess of the budget, while another off-record funds for professional referees, softball fields, Girls Camp, elaborate road shows, extra computers and copiers, and trips on by buses and plane to EFY (until banned), ski trips, and Church historical sites. The leaders in both stakes were faithful and honorable and went on to "higher" callings. I think somewhere in between would have been best (both actually moved that way), but I know I'd be more comfortable defending the penurious approach.
Ok, I couldn't NOT comment on this one. And I must remain anonymous, for fear someone in my ward might find me.
I'm from one of those older, well-established and, I guess, wealthier wards that you are talking about, and have just moved to a small town where sweats, flannel shirts and mullets abound. And I have found myself on the Enrichment Committee. They recently asked me to make invitations for their "big" dinner party that they had been planning for months. So I, having lived a scrapbooky life, came out with these amazing (if I do say so myself) little invitations that ended up costing me about $30 (which isn't that much, right? There were 175 of them, afterall). You would have thought I had sent out formal wedding invitations by the looks on all the women's faces. They thought I was crazy.
Was I over the top? I didn't really feel like I was doing anything extraordinary, but after going to this "big" dinner, I realized that it was a little too extreme for them. First of all, I dressed up for the dinner. First mistake. No one was wearing church clothes... or even anything close to church clothes. Most of the women were wearing t-shirts and jeans or sweat pants. Sweat pants, people! And there weren't any decorations at all. Now I understand why they didn't need any help with the "decorating".
I guess my real question is, shouldn't there be a happy medium? Decorations and spending a little extra time arranging tables and making things special for the participants?? I'm not about to go out and make a wooden hut, though you would have thought I'd handed out individual wooden huts to each member of my Relief Society when I gave them my invitations.
I guess everyone's perceptions of "perfection" are just different.
And I guess I should have written this on my own blog, but then my ward would be onto me...
I recently said no to a Girl's Camp assignment. Of course I felt super guilty for saying no...but I am so happy I did it. I would not be able to be away from home for a whole week.
As far as the Simplicity Rules at church. I used to go SO overboard. Now that I have kids, I tend to simplify everything. I am too busy now. Thanks goodness!
Amen, Sister! I came across your blog by clicking on the blog lists of a friend of a friend of a friend...well, you get the point. I couldn't help but comment on this one! I agree full-heartedly! Afterall, is it really about the centerpieces at the Relief Society dinner?
Post a Comment